Completely Off-Topic: Warning Downingtown Renters

I'm writing this blog which is completely off-topic and not involved with my usual "Journey" weblog.

I'm writing because there is no place I can find online to list "bad landlords" but there are plenty of places to list "bad tenants"...databases in almost every state to list "bad tenants" but no place to warn potential renters/tenants of a bad landlord.

So that is what I'm doing here. I hope someone can pick up the ball and start some kind of database for the good tenants and the bad landlords.

I have rented several times and ended all rentals as per the lease and always received my refund back, oftentimes leaving the property in better condition than it was when I rented it (ie, painting the walls with Killz and sanding old, bubbly paint on the baseboards, re-caulking old windows with cracked former caulk, etc.) These are things I know how to do almost professionally after years of working on refurbishing and upholstering.

Unfortunately, I "fell" for my current landlord (Amerigo Buonanno) despite the tiny 900 square foot apartment he had available. Downstairs unit. Oil, water, sewage and garbage to be split between myself and upstairs tenants. He was very kind, an older gentleman with a very strong accent which he swears is Mexican, though most believe he's Italian (as I do). But that's neither here nor there.

This landlord was gracious enough to let us move in, in Mid to late November but the actual lease was dated Dec. 1 which was when he would receive the money: 1st, last and security ($1,050 each). A lot of money but I had a friend who'd needed a place and he put up most of the money.

And....although he did not allow animals, he did include our cat - Snowball - to be included in the lease, after checking our references and credit checks.

Lease signed, we moved from CT to PA with little problems but we did not do all of our due diligence. We took some photos and videos prior to moving in and we made sure to photographically document peeling wallpaper, unfinished sheetrock repair (unsanded and unpainted), scratches and dents in the doors plus a missing door from my son's bedroom (illegal in this state...finally got one but not until months later).

During the first winter, we froze. In our apartment, the heat did not keep our apartment warm and we spent most of it explaining the problem and - without any resolution - simply had to bundle up in layers (most of the heaters were sold out by this time).

This fall, we acted preemptively and purchased two quality heaters since Mr. Buonanno had not done anything to rectify the heating situation and with a $350+ oil bill every month, we were going to rely mostly on our electric heaters because of the cost and to keep warm.

The thermostat that controlled both apartment units was located in our apartment. Amerigo had it set to 68 at all times and it could not be changed. (I've since found out it is illegal in Downingtown Borough for a tenant to not be able to control their own heat). Mr. Buonanno moved the thermostat control upstairs which is also freezing. (I tried as hard as I could to warn them but Mr. Buonanno was there and I couldn't).

We lent them one of our energy efficient new heaters because their apartment was so cold and they had a toddler. They use this heater to this day, even though they're able to adjust the temperature of the thermostat.

Mr. Buonanno is an older man who came to help with a pipe under our kitchen sink. Following this tedious process, Mr. Buonanno suffered a stroke and subsequent medical conditions attributed to the task of laying on his back in an awkward position to fix this pipe.

After this, we did not want to ask him for help and we mostly fixed everything ourselves. We did not bother him with problems we could take care of ourselves because we knew his health was frail, as was his wife's. I was terrified to be alone with him as he would take it upon himself to climb ladders (despite his vertigo) and I would not be able to catch him if he fell.

After more than a year now (My son is in a great school so moving was out of the question because he is on the autism spectrum and needs to finish high school), we've discovered Mr. Buonanno to be - at times- utterly unreasonable, demanding, intrusive and sometimes unkind. We attribute this to his illnesses because despite the shoddy work that was done pre-renting, he was a nice man to us. It was after his stroke and "problems with [the previous] upstairs tenants" he has become far more aggressive and belligerent, even demanding we pay by money order or bank check, despite a consistent monthly rental payment by check, for our sakes so we could have clear and easily accessible evidence of rent paid on time.

We will - as with past rentals - repair some of the things we can. The holes in our kitchen ceiling will remain because we do not have the knowledge or ability to repair them. We will paint walls and shampoo the carpets as we always have. We will wipe everything down and make it better than it was when we moved in.

However, I wanted to warn anyone out there who is looking for a rental in Downingtown, Pennsylvania (PA), please reconsider and ask other tenants in the building, if looking at a property owned by Mr. Buonanno or his family. Ask him for tenant references.

(we even contacted the borough building code office about the heat and they said, "well you know it's an old building..." which, of course we could not have contemplated during our first month-and-a-half here because heat was not really necessary at those times). Mr. Buonanno clearly has "friends" in higher places.

I am sorry that he is older now and suffering. I have even hugged him and offered food to him...he was that charming. But now he's Mr. Hyde.

Be wary, potential tenants. We are now on our second "upstairs tenants" and they, too, are now having the same problems as the last upstairs tenants, as are we.

This is not written to be inflamatory, it is for information purposes only. If you wish to ask me any specific questions, please contact me via the comment section and I will provide more details, as asked and as well as I can.

Devil Among Angels

My Name Is Cristina D. Johnson

My therapist has said it to me before, but said it again to me today:

"It's easier to be a devil among angels, than an angel among devils."

She's referring to the past couple of blogs wherein I admit to doing, saying, being anything and everything I can to be accepted and not abandoned.

It's easier for me - for a child - to blame themselves for all the "bad" and all the "dirty" within them, and to try and fit in, than it is to be the person who can just be themselves.

So view myself - and always have - as this ugly stain in the fabric of life; this irreparable, broken, "classless cunt" (as he referred to me) who's worth nobody's time, love, compassion or attention so I keep everything in, do what I can and hope nobody sees the truth - sees how "dirty or ugly or bad" I am.

For me it's a lifelong thing but particularly over the past five years when I stepped out of my comfort zone and became engaged with people who were....let's just say of a different class. As I stepped outside of that comfort zone, I stepped into a whole new world.

Lots of white and crystal and things that a dirty little girl like me didn't fit into...but damn I tried.

He told me that people were coming out of the woodwork saying things about me. He was very cryptic about this, leaving me to believe the absolute worst. Oh my God! They know! They know! and my first instinct is to run away - run away as far as I can. I still feel this way, mostly. There's been very little compassion.

I believe it was my therapist who said people just want the dirt, the grit, the gossip - something to talk about. They don't really want to know how you're suffering...how you're struggling...they just want to know the nitty gritty.

And I think this is true....
                                        .........and pathetic.

In a video my cousin shared with me the other day, Dr. Brene' Brown talks about listening to shame. It was a very, very powerful video but one thing she said that stuck out to me the most was this:

"I feel bad," is guilt.
"I am bad," is shame.

I've spent my whole life believing "I am bad." Believing I didn't deserve someone like "him" - when in hindsight, I gave him everything I possibly could....gave him more of myself than I'd ever given anyone, only to have that white and crystal world explode in my face and leave me even more scarred and feeling that I am bad than before.

Being abandoned by people who called themselves my friends, just reinforces that I am bad. I must be.

After all, I spent particularly the past five years as a devil among angels ...perfect people with perfect lives, perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect partners, perfect homes and boats, perfect everything and here I was....bad.

At some point, I know I will offload this shame. There are brief moments when I think to myself, "Wow....someone loves you..." but they're fleeting. Still, when they come, they're very powerful and they ache. Mostly, though, I am overcome by this incessant voice in my head that tells me I am bad. I am dirty. I do nothing right. I am not worthy.

The bottom of this mountain is big.

So is my determination. People left me - I knew they would because I haven't shared any "nitty gritty" or gruesome details about my abuse (for the most part) but oh....bet your sweet ass, I will one day. I won't share it for the punishment of my perpetrators nor for the glory or to make myself look good. I will share it with the God-Honest intention, the authentic desire and hopes and prayers that someone in that white crystal world will read it and feel some compassion....someone will learn....

And hopefully, someone else will come out...and someone else will come out...and someone else will come out.... and eventually we - we incest survivors - will stop being devils amongst angels, but the angels we have always been, if misguided.