Duct Tape?

I was nervous. It was "girls" night. One of only two times I recall ever going "out" anywhere without Gary during our relationship. I was very, very nervous because I never felt I fit in. But I convinced myself it'd be okay..... I offered to bring the salad.

Dina invited me, Bonnie, Leah, Beth, Rachel and I think that's it. Dina's a quiet, shy type. I and Gary did not know her really well but we met her though Leah who I considered to be one of only two real friends I had. I'd met Bonnie before and Rachel but not Beth (who turned out to be a riot).

I was nervous the whole time, feeling like I stuck out like a sore thumb and wondering the whole time, where Gary was. I knew he was going out - figured probably to the Pattaconk - but at that time, it was just us girls, hanging out in Dina's apartment, eating her delicious homemade chicken pot pie and my salad.

I think there was desert, too, but I don't recall.

After a couple of hours, a couple of us phoned our beaus - mine, of course, being Gary. I couldn't wait to see him. I just wanted to be near him and to feel safe.

"They're at the Pattaconk," I informed the girls (Leah's boyfriend and Gary were there), as was "Dee," funny enough - partying with Gary.

So we left Dina's and we all went to the Pattaconk. I was still nervous...didn't feel quite right. Saw him, felt much better, and stood there by him as I drank a Corona. Everyone partied and had a good time. I kind of just wanted to go home. Being with the girls was fun but it rattled my nerves, for sure, and I was saturated with a feeling I can't describe. One of discomfort, of just wanting to go home.

That was months ago.

Dina was a friend, I suppose. And the rest were potential friends... I liked them all, especially Leah. She was a good friend to me, I thought.

Gary hardly knew any of them except Leah and "Dee" - the only two people I considered to be friends of mine. I often joked that if/when Gary and I got married, they would be my bridal party....that's how close I considered them.

But then the break-up happened and I moved. Strangely enough, I moved to an apartment that's literally around the corner from Dina. We were both shocked and delighted! I haven't seen her since I moved but we talked a little on Facebook about getting together and she (again) mentioned that she needed to bring my salad bowl back to me.

Then in August it happened....

She changed her profile picture to one of her partying on Gary's boat, with Leah.

My heart just sank. It wasn't the first time I'd seen heart-breaking pictures of him partying on his boat as if all in life were perfect, while my heart was cracking into a million pieces. I had defriended most of our boater friends because I literally couldn't stomach seeing it. It sickened me in a heartbroken kind of way, not in a disgusted way....just shattered me.

I labored over this for days, finally sent her a message:

Hi Dina

I'm writing to let you know that I think you're wonderful but I am defriending everyone associated with Gary and those who party with him. It's an enormous trigger for me and quite honestly I don't even know who to trust.

Seeing a picture of you on his boat, immediately sends me reeling - it's that bad.

This is not personal because, like I said, I think you're a wonderful person, but I just can't handle any reference or pictures of him or his boat or his activities.

I hope you understand and I wish you the best.

-C

No response.

Today I got a text message that simply said: "I put your bowl on your mailbox"

"Thank you," I responded.

He went out during our breakup and made sure to talk to every single female person who could have possibly been a friend to me. He sunk his claws into them and made sure they went out and partied with him...made sure they saw how much fun he can be...even Leah. Even those who he didn't even really know! People who I could have turned to.

Today, as I was going to the store for milk, I saw a bag hanging from my mailbox.

I got out of the car, walked over to it, and saw that it was hung over my flipped-up flag, duct taped into place.

She went to an awful lot of trouble to make sure she didn't have to see me.

Duct tape? Really? What the hell did he tell you about me that made you treat me like a diseased animal?

Thanks...thanks a lot.

Less than a block away, and not even the courtesy to bring it to my door.

I  could die right now.

People are so cruel.

Living in Limbo

My name is Cristina D. Johnson

Had another nightmare about "him" last night. Third night in a row, only last night I woke up crying.

There are good things happening, of course. I mean I have the help and support of some wonderful people.

Therapy's been tough because of the concept of boundaries and relationships. I suppose it all goes back to living in that black-and-white world. Yes or no. No gray.

In therapy, though, it's obvious that things are out of whack here at home. My new apartment is beautiful. I have an antiquated kitchen but it's super roomy. All wood floors (except the living room) and I have a dining room, living room, and upstairs I have two bedrooms and a bathroom and then, upstairs (where I am now) is my private space - my 'writing room' as I call it - and outside each window is nothing but trees and green. The breeze blows through the windows and I hear the rustle of the leaves and it should be soothing.

But I feel like I'm in limbo - I feel as if I have lived here now for about two months and I haven't exhaled. So much is uncertain and I sometimes feel like I'm being taken for granted (hence the conversation about boundaries in therapy).

Part of my apprehension is knowing "he" has the power to take it away from me and he knows it, too. I would like to think he wouldn't be so cruel, but then again, if history is any indication, there's really no limit to the cruelty so who knows? I don't know..... I feel so stupid.

Bill helps me a lot. We talk every day: morning, lunch time and after he gets off work. He swears he's not going to let me go again. There's something very powerful in hearing him say those things. Not that he only says those things, but he says other things - beautiful things - and he's absolutely wonderful to Trevor, who adores him.

Bill knows I question my relationships now - an unfortunate truth - and he says he's glad I do this. I am grateful for that space - for that lenience and compassion. He's the only one who truly saw the every-day struggle I went through after the break-up so he knows how deep it goes. During those days and nights, he nursed me so gently. I will never, ever forget this.

Yet at the same time, I can't help but feel this timeless kind of love for him. It's always been that way between us. Very unconditional. Very honest. In many ways, he raised the bar as far as relationships go. In many ways, "the other guy" never would or could measure up, even though - to his credit - he had some redeeming qualities.

I have yet to call it home. It's "the house" or "the apartment" and Michelle (my therapist) says that's because everything is still unsettled. (Also I have Bill's cat - Snowball - and I'm not supposed to have animals so I'm scared of that and not sure how to handle it yet).

Michelle says we can't even get into trauma work until my life is no longer stressful and in crisis. She's right. I can't even think right now. Just scared of everything.

Most of the time in my life - in the past - I have not had to worry like this. Things just were, what they were and I never expected to have a home - always expected to be abandoned or kicked out or whatever. But now that I'm trying so hard to actually have a home, I am terrified of losing it.

Everything is in limbo and my back sometimes feels like it could snap.