My name is Cristina D. Johnson.
My session, today, was heavy. I was already shook up when I got there. I got some news and instantly started shaking, crying and got a headache, simultaneously. Funny thing is, it was good news, but it was so damn overwhelming. So I showed up to see Michelle very shaky an disoriented.
"Let's take a minute," she said, "Take a couple deep breaths."
I tried...felt silly. I always feel silly when someone says, "Breathe....take a deep breath..." (I even feel awkward doing it for the doctor, now that I think about it. Weird).
Anyway, as I predicted, she asked what my take was, on the dream I had about my father. I told her I was completely, absolutely lost. I had no idea. This surprised her.
The session kind of went all over the place - she triggered me once....one of those snapshots, like a lightning-fast emotional response to something she said, and then poof it was gone.
"What did you say?" I asked her.
She looked at me confused. I was confused. I started crying. I was reminded of something, but couldn't remember what I had been reminded of. It's so strange how those flashbacks work.
"What did it bring up for you?" she asked.
"I don't remember. What was it you said?"
She said she was talking about making mistakes ....
And I snatched a kleenex from the box on the table, where she'd set it for me. "He was so cruel," I whimpered. "So cruel." I started shaking.
"Punishment...that's what it brought up. There were no mistakes. You couldn't make mistakes," I told her, but without the emotional connection. I shed a few tears and it was gone. All that was left was the memory, devoid of any attachment. "He once punished me for holding the cat wrong."
Then we talked about re-parenting.....Cindy is doing a marvelous job at this. "Ron won't be able to re-parent you," she said. I suspect this is because of the extent of the abuse I went through with my father. Plus Ron also, unfortunately, has some of the same traits as my father....tall, powerful, and he has a way about him that's very much like my birth father. I am trying to work past that....as is Ron, to his credit.
And then...the most painful of all: the dream.
First she said she was very surprised that no therapist had ever spoken to me about sexual dreams about fathers who molest their daughters. "It's very common," she explained.
She also told me it's not uncommon to experience arousal when being molested. It's a physiological experience that the body cannot control. It's clearly more obvious for boys/men because, well, you know...it's obvious if they're aroused. But not so much for girls.
"I don't remember ever feeling aroused," I told her. "The only good feelings I recall are those of knowing that I was doing something right...doing something to make Daddy happy....Never do I recall being aroused."
She said we (women) often pile junk on top of it: how gross and disgusting and despicable it is, how wrong and dirty and we have so much piled up on top of it, that even if we were aroused, we wouldn't know it.
Which brought us to the dream. She said the dream was symbolic and - in her opinion, based on what I told her - had nothing to do with my father, and everything to do with Bill.
For me, the most difficult aspect of that dream, was the strong emotional attachment I was feeling towards my father as I initiated sex. The feeling of this very powerful love, was identical to that which I feel for Bill.
We talked a lot about this, about my authentic fear of this love for Bill.
"What are you afraid of?"
"I don't know. Doing something wrong? Saying something wrong? Being hurt. Being abandoned."
But there's more to it than that, even. Kind of like Cindy is "re-parenting" me, Bill is giving me this love that I've never had before and I am terrified of it...not used to it...
"You know," she said, "It takes a huge amount of courage for you to love him....to let him love you that way."
I cried...this heart-wrenching, desperate cry. Aching inside. So confused. So afraid. Hopeful but terrified.
The only other time I ever felt such intense love, was when I loved my father. Feeling that intensity is blindingly terrifying.
Yet....if I let it happen...if I just let it run it's course, I will (or should) re-learn love. Healthy love, instead of the toxic, abusive, painful love that I hold inside as a norm. This fearful, punishing love that sticks to me like velcro.
I wonder....
I wonder if I left Bill years ago, because of this intensity, in favor of a more superficial relationship, that would spare me from loving so deeply.
Thank you Cindy....Ron...Bill......
Bill.....thank you.
Showing posts with label dream. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dream. Show all posts
Monday, November 12, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Sex with Daddy, a Dream (TRIGGER WARNING)
I call it a dream, not a nightmare. I described it to Bill as if I were telling him how to bake cookies - no attachment, no feelings. I felt nothing, yet his response was, "Wow that's a nightmare!"
It is? I didn't wake up sweating or shaking or crying.... isn't that what nightmares are?
I have never (or don't remember ever) having a dream or dreams of any nature about my father (or any of my abuse or rapes, for that matter). I have a snapshot of him in my mind - this vision of him from more than 20 years ago, and though I've been told he's now fat and bald, I remember him to be beautiful...so handsome, hair that women would die for...he was a fabulously good-looking man. That is what I see in my mind...
And that is what I saw in my dream.
Begin Trigger
*
*
*
We were in my apartment, only it wasn't this apartment...it was somewhere else. I recall that I initiated sex with him. I was aroused. In my dream, I was the same age I am now. He did not say anything, just smiled as I commenced to performing fellatio on him.
From there, somehow I was able to have intercourse with him while also receiving oral sex from him. Again, I was wanting it. I initiated it.
Next thing in the dream, we are sitting on the floor, and I was leaning against a bed frame. There was no mattress or box spring - just a space where they used to be. Beneath where the bed was supposed to be, were a few pair of shoes - one of which was a pair of little girl's black shoes. I remember thinking, "Wow I haven't seen those in a long time." There were other shoes but those stick out the most in my mind.
*
*
*
End Trigger
I told my father I was going to sweep while I could get to it...
As I began to sweep, I looked over and my father was drinking a glass of wine. I didn't know where he'd gotten it because, in my dream, I had no wine. Furthermore, he was drinking this "wine" from one of the margarita glasses that I left at Gary's house when we split up. I looked at what he was drinking and it wasn't wine; it was juice.
Coincidentally, this is what Gary's father used to do. He once told me, "I like to drink cranberry juice out of a wine glass so I can fit in."
Obviously there are things that stick out - the little girl's shoes....but one thing that troubles me deeply is, in the dream, as I was initiating, I was feeling the same feelings for my father, that I have for Bill. This hopelessly in-love feeling...this complete devotion.
It's worth noting, as well, that my adoptive father recently bought me a bed frame.
When trying to interpret this dream, I struggled. Usually Dreammoods is pretty good, but this left me blank.
It's also worth noting that I recently ran out of anti-depressants and have not been taking them. I have read that anti-depressants will amplify dissociation so I wonder if not taking these medications for a few days now, might have unblocked some things, along with my getting in touch with some intense new feelings that I have had with Bill.
After it all sank in....after I thought about it, I was saturated with shame. I felt like a whore. How could I even possibly dream this?? This is despicable!! *I* am disgusting! Who dreams this shit?!
Is this possibly me, getting in touch with parts of myself that I have never touched, via new, healthy, restorative relationships and feelings with new people?
I've never once given thought to whether or not I wanted to be molested. I didn't. Ever. Yet I willingly participated for a lot of different reasons. Some are obvious, others probably not. Being told by my therapist yesterday that it's okay for me to love....did that open up something?
Will these dreams continue? Will they get worse?
It is? I didn't wake up sweating or shaking or crying.... isn't that what nightmares are?
I have never (or don't remember ever) having a dream or dreams of any nature about my father (or any of my abuse or rapes, for that matter). I have a snapshot of him in my mind - this vision of him from more than 20 years ago, and though I've been told he's now fat and bald, I remember him to be beautiful...so handsome, hair that women would die for...he was a fabulously good-looking man. That is what I see in my mind...
And that is what I saw in my dream.
Begin Trigger
*
*
*
We were in my apartment, only it wasn't this apartment...it was somewhere else. I recall that I initiated sex with him. I was aroused. In my dream, I was the same age I am now. He did not say anything, just smiled as I commenced to performing fellatio on him.
From there, somehow I was able to have intercourse with him while also receiving oral sex from him. Again, I was wanting it. I initiated it.
Next thing in the dream, we are sitting on the floor, and I was leaning against a bed frame. There was no mattress or box spring - just a space where they used to be. Beneath where the bed was supposed to be, were a few pair of shoes - one of which was a pair of little girl's black shoes. I remember thinking, "Wow I haven't seen those in a long time." There were other shoes but those stick out the most in my mind.
*
*
*
End Trigger
I told my father I was going to sweep while I could get to it...
As I began to sweep, I looked over and my father was drinking a glass of wine. I didn't know where he'd gotten it because, in my dream, I had no wine. Furthermore, he was drinking this "wine" from one of the margarita glasses that I left at Gary's house when we split up. I looked at what he was drinking and it wasn't wine; it was juice.
Coincidentally, this is what Gary's father used to do. He once told me, "I like to drink cranberry juice out of a wine glass so I can fit in."
Obviously there are things that stick out - the little girl's shoes....but one thing that troubles me deeply is, in the dream, as I was initiating, I was feeling the same feelings for my father, that I have for Bill. This hopelessly in-love feeling...this complete devotion.
It's worth noting, as well, that my adoptive father recently bought me a bed frame.
When trying to interpret this dream, I struggled. Usually Dreammoods is pretty good, but this left me blank.
It's also worth noting that I recently ran out of anti-depressants and have not been taking them. I have read that anti-depressants will amplify dissociation so I wonder if not taking these medications for a few days now, might have unblocked some things, along with my getting in touch with some intense new feelings that I have had with Bill.
After it all sank in....after I thought about it, I was saturated with shame. I felt like a whore. How could I even possibly dream this?? This is despicable!! *I* am disgusting! Who dreams this shit?!
Is this possibly me, getting in touch with parts of myself that I have never touched, via new, healthy, restorative relationships and feelings with new people?
I've never once given thought to whether or not I wanted to be molested. I didn't. Ever. Yet I willingly participated for a lot of different reasons. Some are obvious, others probably not. Being told by my therapist yesterday that it's okay for me to love....did that open up something?
Will these dreams continue? Will they get worse?
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Dreams and PTSD
My name is Cristina D. Johnson
It's not uncommon for people with PTSD to have nightmares - usually of their traumas. I have rarely had that problem because of my DID - because of my dissociation and disconnection from the things that happened to me. Sometimes I wish I could or would dream of them. I wish I could be angry or hurt about them but it's just not there...not yet anyway.
But recent events I am connected to and last night I had three dreams of "him" - one a horrible nightmare - all three, bad. I have learned a lot about dreams over the past year and fully believe in their symbolism. My former therapist used to interpret dreams and it always made sense. It was also almost always exactly what dreammoods.com would say.
***Trigger Warning***
In the worst dream, I was on a table and he was raping me - orally (which I find significant) - and there were people there holding me down who seemed to be friends of his or something. The only person in the dream that I recognized was his mother who was holding my feet and did a couple of other things that were too graphic for me to put here. Anyway, he was vicious and brutal.
Next thing I know, he takes a scarf and wraps it around my throat and kills me. But when he kills me, I am not in my body - I am standing at the edge of the table as a child, looking on as he kills me. When he killed me, in the dream, nobody else was there. I was about seven or eight I think, watching him as he strangled me. I didn't feel anything.
***End Trigger***
According to dreammoods:
"To dream that you were raped or almost raped indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life."
"To dream that you have been killed suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. The dream refers to drastic changes that you are trying to make. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of the old parts and old habits. Alternatively, the dream represents feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed."
All I have to say is....wow.....
It's not uncommon for people with PTSD to have nightmares - usually of their traumas. I have rarely had that problem because of my DID - because of my dissociation and disconnection from the things that happened to me. Sometimes I wish I could or would dream of them. I wish I could be angry or hurt about them but it's just not there...not yet anyway.
But recent events I am connected to and last night I had three dreams of "him" - one a horrible nightmare - all three, bad. I have learned a lot about dreams over the past year and fully believe in their symbolism. My former therapist used to interpret dreams and it always made sense. It was also almost always exactly what dreammoods.com would say.
***Trigger Warning***
In the worst dream, I was on a table and he was raping me - orally (which I find significant) - and there were people there holding me down who seemed to be friends of his or something. The only person in the dream that I recognized was his mother who was holding my feet and did a couple of other things that were too graphic for me to put here. Anyway, he was vicious and brutal.
Next thing I know, he takes a scarf and wraps it around my throat and kills me. But when he kills me, I am not in my body - I am standing at the edge of the table as a child, looking on as he kills me. When he killed me, in the dream, nobody else was there. I was about seven or eight I think, watching him as he strangled me. I didn't feel anything.
***End Trigger***
According to dreammoods:
"To dream that you were raped or almost raped indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life."
"To dream that you have been killed suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. The dream refers to drastic changes that you are trying to make. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of the old parts and old habits. Alternatively, the dream represents feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed."
All I have to say is....wow.....
Friday, June 29, 2012
Two More Weeks
Found out yesterday that I won't be moving out as soon as I'd thought. I've been shaking ever since. There was a time when I would have taken it as a sign - a time when I was more spiritual - but now, I'm just scared.
Scared because I don't want to go through all these emotions with him. I had another nightmare last night about him, too, but this one wasn't as bad as yesterday, although I feel it's very telling.
In the dream we were at a wedding with a friend from my past - long, long ago who wasn't ever really a friend. I don't know why he was in the dream; he was my ex-husband's friend.
Anyway, it was a serve-yourself-buffet kind of place, very unique. I fell, twice, trying to get food because the building spun around. It was a spinning building (very slowly) so you could see the view outside from all windows.
I fell the first time and was just a little embarrassed.
The second time, though, I fell and my underwear were revealed and I was horrified. I went back to the table where Gary and this old friend were and I was crying.
Gary stood up and he sheltered me from the rest of the crowd, kept talking to me calmly, told me we could go for a ride....just being very soothing.
Then, the friend said, "Gary knows you gap. He's really good with you." - by "gap" I understood him to mean lose time.
It made me cry; I woke up crying.
But with the dream, comes interpretation and I feel like Gary is responsible for showing my underwear to the entire town and then pretending to be this super nice guy (the "friend" in the dream actually raped me years ago - don't know what to make of him being in the dream). That's all I can make of it.
The night before, I dreamt that he was screaming at me and pointing his finger at me, yelling, "I'll control who you see, where you go, what you do, all the way down to what you eat!"
I woke up and vomited.
How can someone stop loving you so quickly?
Scared because I don't want to go through all these emotions with him. I had another nightmare last night about him, too, but this one wasn't as bad as yesterday, although I feel it's very telling.
In the dream we were at a wedding with a friend from my past - long, long ago who wasn't ever really a friend. I don't know why he was in the dream; he was my ex-husband's friend.
Anyway, it was a serve-yourself-buffet kind of place, very unique. I fell, twice, trying to get food because the building spun around. It was a spinning building (very slowly) so you could see the view outside from all windows.
I fell the first time and was just a little embarrassed.
The second time, though, I fell and my underwear were revealed and I was horrified. I went back to the table where Gary and this old friend were and I was crying.
Gary stood up and he sheltered me from the rest of the crowd, kept talking to me calmly, told me we could go for a ride....just being very soothing.
Then, the friend said, "Gary knows you gap. He's really good with you." - by "gap" I understood him to mean lose time.
It made me cry; I woke up crying.
But with the dream, comes interpretation and I feel like Gary is responsible for showing my underwear to the entire town and then pretending to be this super nice guy (the "friend" in the dream actually raped me years ago - don't know what to make of him being in the dream). That's all I can make of it.
The night before, I dreamt that he was screaming at me and pointing his finger at me, yelling, "I'll control who you see, where you go, what you do, all the way down to what you eat!"
I woke up and vomited.
How can someone stop loving you so quickly?
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