Strength

Sometimes I think strength is misconstrued

Some ascribe it to one’s attitude

Some would say get over it

Others would say, take time…heal

I battle inside

Wondering what strength is

They say ‘you’ve already conquered’

‘you’ve made it through,’ they say

“The battle is already won”

But it’s not because, for me,

The battle’s just begun

The repercussions of a supposed win

Eat me alive, from within

So which way does one go?

Eaten alive, just to survive?

Appease the ones who’ve “been through worse?”

Apply salve to the wounds

Through the need to cry, heal, move forward?

Go to work, get a job, be productive?

Sit alone, cry and be self-destructive?

Nobody knows, but many think they do.

Walk in others' shoes.

Truth is nobody knows strength

Only their own strength

their perceptions of others' strengths

Nobody really knows.

Film

A film of self-defense
self-denial
Denial altogether
covering the lenses
of eyes that never cried
denial of the inside
the red heat of self
dark cataracts to reality
cauterizing release
blocking the view
of wounds that
never healed
blackened and charred
the chips fall away
like obsidian teardrops
tiny shadowed tears
This film covering my reality
a lifetime
of denial.
A lifetime of unknowing

Emptiness (Poem) (possible trigger)

How can empty
get any more hollow?
There are no seeds;
no strings to follow
The darkness gets darker
no moon, no stars
you talk to loneliness
show your scars
but none other can see
nor hear the shrieks
from a deadened body
from whence blood leaks
at the whim of despair
the quick slits release
drops of blood
moments of peace
a ghastly reminder
we still survive
crimson droplets
prove we are alive
the reaper grows near
whispers your name
begs your surrender
to the monstrous pain
Consulting with loneliness
you quietly lament
secretly wishing
with honest intent
natural causes
will take you away
a coward to the end...

...so it seems, anyway.

(C) Cristina D. Kuptzin-Johnson, 2013

Frayed Khaki's

Rupture the silence with a knock on the jamb
Tell me once more, how beautiful I am
"It doesn't matter," he said, "about your past,"
Falsities spoken through a clever mask
So wait, it's a lie. And it's not what I want
Taunted, misled by his beautiful front
Those perfect khakis, frayed at the ends
But he stood around proudly, just fitting in
Pointing and laughing, telling stories, calling names
I saw your facade but stayed, just the same
Could the tenderness of a child's truth
Reach to the hardened core of you?
No, the snow's dirty. The ground, grassless.
The sky, starless; and me, classless.
The "classless cunt," you said, I recall
I protected you from it, you took no fall
God forbid your true colors be shown to your friends
God forbid they see your khakis, frayed at the ends.

-Cristina Johnson

Whispered Wound

Forever spoken
Never heard again
The wound that rides
a whisper in the wind

Can they see it?
Will they know?
Do I look okay?
Do my scars show?

Who am I kidding?
Of course they see
It's like a disease
spread all over me.

Staring, I know
Their disdain and sneers
So I swing, swing hard
when anyone nears

The smile is pretty
beneath it, is rot
but this mask I wear
is all I've got.

It's all I've mastered
and I'm damn good
Sit still and listen
like a good girl should
 
Walk away quickly
when someone is kind
run, run away
they'll change their mind

There's alternate meaning
to every touch
although you ache for it
Oh so much

Remember the whisper
the wound's still alive
it's in the air
it still survives

Burning an inside
already marred
crisp with rage
with terror, charred

Memories choke me
like swallowing tar
get out, get out!
whoever you are!

Give me my mask
I'll smile a sweet smile
bitterly isolated
all the while

Because I know the truth
It's all a big front
To be perfect, wanted, loved...
To be whatever you want

This skin isn't mine

Lost long before
These chills you give me
I try to ignore

This ache in my chest
When I see your face
This dare to believe
In a different kind of place

My heart pounds
the whisper returns
Run away, Run away!
You're gonna get burned

But I peek through the curtain
and there he stands
Same as always...
same smile, same hands

Same kindness and face
green eyes that care
See beyond what I hide
Is there hope there?