General update

My name is Cristina D. Johnson.

Feeling a bit melancholy tonight but the Winter Storm Nemo isn't helping.

I did have some help the past week, specifically from a friend who I didn't really know was a friend. She helped me more than she could know and I am grateful.

Also help from my adoptive mother who has been incredibly patient and there for me.

Have had a lot happen the past couple weeks and have a lot to think about.

I am reticent to share too much here because - as they'd say in the police department - the investigation is still ongoing. Who knows what the outcome will be.

I am shut down.

But my demons cling to me, pulling at my nerves, daring me to pay attention to them. Still, I can't. I have to focus...focus...focus...

Crises always push me to my height; struggles be damned.

The bitch is I am wound like a violin string. So tight. I could snap anytime.

I miss so much. I truly miss so much.

And I am not lonely, but I feel alone.

Which is okay, if sometimes overwhelming because my thoughts flood me.

I feel like it'd be really nice to have just two weeks straight of a break. Just two weeks without whammies that knock us back. We just want to be caught up.

I just want to feel safe.

Had an appointment with a psychiatric APRN Tuesday. She was horrible. She was a 74-year-old, stuck-in-her-ways whacko.

OMG I have never experienced anything so horrible with a pdoc. She was wrong on so many levels and I knew more about my diagnoses and treatment than she did. Gotta go see her again next week. No idea why. Dreading it. But she's the only person that accepts my insurance so I have no choice.

Just depressed tonight.

Love all my friends and family.

Stay warm and safe.