Good bye... I hope

My name is Cristina D. Kuptzin-Johnson. When I was pre-verbal, I was sexually, emotionally and mentally abused. When I was 5 and 6 years old, I was sexually and physically abused, and was also forced to perform sexual acts on my younger brother - 13 months younger. During this time I was also beaten and neglected. I received the message - somehow, though I don't know how - to shut up, get over it, and say nothing. But I did. Told my grandmother when I was in 4th grade. After which time she sent me back to my abuser (my father) who subjected me to porn, marijuana, alcohol and sex. He suffocated, strangled and brainwashed me.I was taken away and sent back to a place where I was - at age 11 - kidnapped, raped and beaten at age 11. From then on - age 11 to 15 - I was on the streets and repeatedly gang-raped, assaulted, beaten and sold (blue-eyed blondes are worth a lot of money in North St. Louis). For years, I conformed to societal norms: shut up. Move on. Get over it. Stop living in the past. I have been: a waitress shelf installer (for Blockbuster. It was illegal; I was 17) journalist graphics designer writer editor pest control technician Factory worker Seamstress Upholsterer Property manager Administrative Assistant Marketing Assistant Web Development Assistant Customer Assistant Telemarketer Licensed CNA Phlebotomist and...above all, a writer and mother. I am NOT SUPID. DID and PTSD does not incriminate one's mental capacity. In fact, it is known among the psychological community (at least those who care to research it) that those who develop DID are brilliant children with active imaginations. I cannot begin to describe the escape techniques I used to numb or escape the pain of being sodomized, raped, beaten, humiliated and tormented by my father and others. I can only say that the United States has failed me and millions of others who suffer these same afflictions and repercussions. Unfortunately - if tonight is a success - I will just be another statistic that didn't make it. For those who are interested, my father's name is Daniel John Baugh. His DOB is August 8th. He was 18 when I was born in 1970. My step-father's name is Richard Sargent and although all he did was give me 5 dollars for a hand-job, it was enough. My uncle's name is Daniel Percival. I awoke with him laying on top of me at age 7 or 8. I can still smell his breath. Last I knew he lived in Latham, MO. I abscond my brother for his transgression. He was young and, with some friends, begged me to let him perform oral sex on me when I was 16, O told him absolutely not. However, I awoke naked, in the same room where my baby - Tony - lay sleeping in his crib. I do not know hat happened, but I do know I didn't go to bed naked. But given my brother's abusive past, I forgive him. Fat Cat raped me by gun point. Pulled the pistol out from under his mattress. He later did the same thing when he caught me in the bathroom of a mutual acquaintance. Pulled the pistol out, stuck it in my mouth, first. Told me to open up. I did. Then he put the pistol to my temple and told me to suck it until he came, told me if I didn't swallow he would blow my head off. His big chocolate gut hit my forehead as I did what he ordered. I will never forget how small that bathroom was. Chester took me to the river in MO and literally grabbed my pant legs, pulled them off, raped me and told me it was love-making. He left me there. Robert Lewis - age 32 (I believe, at the time) - kidnapped and took me to an abandoned building in north St. Louis where he repeatedly raped, beat and cut me. I was 11. It was in the paper. He confessed to all of it. The headline was "She makes me hot says bobby" There are countless other incidents. Too many to list. Knives to my throat. Swallow or die. Stabbed in the the head. Molested by Mr. Buck at the Juvenile Detention Center. Kicked into the muddy curb because I fought back in the back seat of an Impala. Too many. Too many. Daddy also thought it was fun to sell me off to his friends. Pose me as a five-year-old. Make me go down on my four-year-old brother. Think it's too much? Oh there's so much more. But so many can't handle it. Neither can I. So............ I cannot finish this blog without mentioning names that have been instrumental in some ways - whether past or present - in no particular order, with the exception of my children; the first three names. Antonio (Tony) Baugh Meagan A. Johnson Trevor C Johnson William (Bill)Goodall Cindy Kuptzin Hannah Shaffer Ron Kuptzin Natasha Lee Michelle Kenefick Gary, Terry Johnnson Anne Kuptzin Samantha (Sammy jo) Natasha Antonio: I treated you poorly. I tried, though. I was so young and stupid but you really picked up the slack. Never hit a woman. Always be honest. Go with your gut. Respect the elderly. Stand up for what is right. You hurt me many times, but I always have seen your beauty. Exploit that. Use it. Make a difference. Meagan: Oh honey. Oh honey. You are so like me, except in this context. You will never give up and you will succeed. Never EVER depend on a man. Go to school Earn your way. Dont "need" anyone in that way. Don't get into any relationships because you need the support. Rather, be your own person. Be smart. Be better than me. Trevor: Oh honey. You've kept me going. If I didn't have you I didn't know what I would have done, so many times. I wanted to keep you safe, secure. I know what it is to feel like an outcast but honey, Autism doesn't make you an outcast; it makes you gifted. You just have to find what your gift is. I love you so much. Bill: Thank you for being there. For trying. Thank you for sleeping on my bloody pillow after a night of wrist-slashing. "it's a part of you," you said. Stand up for yourself. Stop letting people beat you down. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't be rash; think about it a bit. There's nothing wrong with saying, "Let me get back to you on that." Be true to you. Be true to what matters most to you. Thank you for loving me. Cindy: You are the best mother a person could ever have. Kind, loving, considerate, consistent, understanding, loving. You are a magnificent person, when you are who you are. I am so lucky that I had your love in my life. Hannah: Oh God, honey this may be the hardest of all: Don't give up. Give people like me, hope. Give us hope and peace and understanding and compassion. You can do this because you are learning how to do it, and in the right way. Please don't give up. You can and will make a difference. You told me you would be my voice. BE MY VOICE. Be the voice of all survivors who are afraid to speak. Please,....please... I love you. Ron: I know how hard you try and I am thankful. Sometimes trying too hard, can cause more harm than good. You are an intelligent man. Don't let that override your emotions. Connect. Feel. Understand. You are a good man. Talk less, listen more. Ask questions, understand. I am grateful to you for all you've tried to do. Gary: I love you so much. I never lied. I always loved you. I still do. I miss you. I needed you. I was so hurt by you that it cannot be measured. I'm sure you were confused. The complex trauma I went through (and hid from you) probably threw you for a loop but I trusted you and I needed you. Oh I needed you. I needed to feel safe and I needed you to trust me. Ultimately, you proved me right: "them" cannot be trusted. But I still love and miss you and wish you happiness. Terry: My first love. I am sorry. We were both young and stupid. Please take care of Trevor. Don't force him the way you did Meagan and Tony. Let him pave the way. He is very intelligent. Trust him. Anne: you're the best grandmother ever!!! Thank you for welcoming and loving me. Sam: There's so much you don't know. I promised I would never tell but I suspect you already know. I am so proud of you for the work you are doing. Please advocate. Please help people. I am so proud of you. Natasha: When I thought there was nowhere else to go, and nobody to ask for help, you were there. I trembled and you held me. You listened. You helped more than anyone. People say things and I learned - because of your actions - that what people say is not true. You are a saint. I am so grateful to you. Oh, and Carolyn: stop counting on others (including your sons) for your happiness. Get some help and start being real instead of depending on, oh, I dont know, GARY, to buy you VODKA. Couple more things: Sue Rasie (Racie? Racey?) of East Lyme Pyschological Associates is a quack who pushed me absolutely over the edge. My mother - Cindy (cynthia) Greenman-Kuptzin was there and witnessed the unethical and absolutely unprofessional behavior of this APRN. Additionally, the state of Connecticut would not provide me with anyone who would provide me with medication management for extreme anxiety and HUSKY (which I have) was completely outdated and unhelpful. There is nowhere for me to go. I have nowhere to go. I will NOT have my son sent to foster care. You people - if you have JUST HELPED ME - everything would have been okay. NO HELP. CONNECTICUT WANTS TO LOCK YOU UP JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE ANXIETY OR THEY WANT TO PAY EXORBITANT HEALTH CARE COSTS BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE ME ARE FORCED TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM EVERY TWO WEEKS FOR ANXIETY MEDICATIONS!!! I can't stand in front of the window of my home because I am so afraid, without anti-anxiety medications. I have a therapist - Michelle Kenefick - who has been fantastic but because there is no medication management available unless you are under the umbrella of a psychiatric conglomerate, you have two choices: See a psychiatrist and LSCW/MSW/CSW under the same umbrella, or do without meds. FIX IT BEFORE OTHERS DO WHAT I DO. One thing about it Ms. Sue Rasie (Racey? Rasey? Whatever) You won't have to worry about me ROCKING anymore because I have ENORMOUS anxiety. Sorry I made you uncomfortable you psycho!! I can't live all this down. I can't work. I am afraid of everyone and everything - except my therapist. I can't work and there are so many people in this country who point angry fingers and say, "YOU JUST WANT A GOVERNMENT HAND-OUT!" I don't want a government hand-out. I want to HEAL. In fact, I want to heal to the point that I can help OTHERS heel. Have YOU ever been sodomized? Have YOU ever been forced to swallow syphilis-infected semen? Have YOU ever had a Pelvic Inflammatory Disease to the point where not only could you not walk, but your entire reproductive system was compromised because there is nowhere for a teenage rape-victim runaway to go? NO probably now, I do. I know these things. I wanted to help. I DESPERATELY wanted to help but you know I am a firm believer that you cannot help anyone, any more than you have helped/healed yourself. Those aren't great odds for me at this point in time. So while I TRY to get help so I can HELP OTHERS, I am constantly shut down by the bureaucracies of our decrepit health and mental health system. So thanks to those who've tried to help. Thank you even more to those who will continue to help and make a difference. Just remember this: Just because he/she has a pretty face and a good dialogue and dresses great, doesn't mean she's not a victim of sexual trauma. The statistics are staggering; http://www.rainn.org/statistics PAY ATTENTION!