Hardest Parts

My name is Cristina D. Johnson.

All of my life, I have been able to recount numerous attacks - physical, mental, emotional, sexual - but never with any connection to them. Like telling someone else's story. This keeps me from burdening people.

It's occurred to me lately that perhaps the hardest part of all of it, is accepting that it happened to me. These things happened to me. Or, perhaps, the hardest part is accepting that these things affected me.

Maybe it's a two-part hardest part.

I still talk about my experiences from afar. I think maybe I do this because I fear peoples' reactions. I don't know about others, but for me it's always been difficult/uncomfortable to be in the presence of someone who is crying.

Not always, but most  times.

So I spare people. I talk about it as if I am talking about the latest movie I saw.

So what's the fix for this?

How do I break that barrier in my mind that prevents me from accepting these things? How do I break through that wall that keeps the memories away? How do I make sense of the fragments I hold?

How do I begin to feel?

I am not PTSD. I am not DID.

I am Cristina Johnson.

But who is Cristina Johnson?

What will I be, when the walls and barriers are gone and the feelings show up? What will happen?

Who will I be?