I don't think she believes me

My name is Cristina D. Johnson.

I  don't know that I have ever experienced someone not believing me and the things I have gone through and am now experiencing.

I feel that way about Michelle, now.

I made an appointment with her because I have to.

But I feel sick about it.

I called her the other night. I left three voice messages (because there's a limit to the amount of time you have to leave a message) so I called her. I don't remember everything I said.

I cut that night.

I got scared. I panicked. I thought someone was in the house. That's the last thing I clearly remember. Everything else is kind of a blur.

Anyway, I don't believe in her and I don't believe she believes me.

What kind of therapeutic relationship is that?

I had another appointment Monday with a different specialist - Judy. She diagnosed me with PTSD (again). She also talked me down from my "DID is bullshit and doesn't exist!" mantra. A little bit, anyway. She wants to do further testing.

I wish I knew the things I left on Michelle's voicemail. I have not heard anything back from her.

When I was a kid, it never occurred to me that nobody would believe me if I told. I just didn't tell because....well, I think because I didn't want to get Daddy in trouble. I don't know. I don't remember any threats except once and that was when I was older. Nothing like, "I'll kill your mother"....did he ever say, "Nobody will believe you!"? I don't know...maybe.

But for whatever reasons, I didn't tell.

And now, I have told Michelle - some of it - and I feel like she doesn't believe me. That hurts.