Saturday, March 9, 2013

Untitled

My name is Cristina D. Johnson

Today I have cried more than not.

There is a lot I don't understand.

I lashed out - viciously - at two of the most important people in my life. I have no explanation. There was no provocation.

I said hurtful, shameful things.

Today I keep waiting for my punishment. I feel like I deserve it. It kills me when they are kind to me.

I am confused and frustrated and uncertain.

Bill is leaving again. Going to PA to work.

I suppose this is good, although I won't have transportation but we'll figure it out.

I don't know what he wants from me.

I don't know what "H" wants from me.

If I don't know what they want from me, how can I give it?

I have no control. This kills me. If I have no control or understanding of what is going on, I lose control... I am lost. I am enraged. I want to fight.

I hate who I've been these past few days and I just keep sinking into the ugly that I was.

They forgive me.

I cannot forgive myself.

I am so lost.

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