Rest

Bad things sometimes happen to good people. Sometimes good things happen to bad people.

As for me, I have made mistakes to be sure, but I have desperately tried to rectify them. I have lived with guilt.

Truth is all I want is to feel safe, secure.

I used to call them "granny houses" and Bill and I would sometimes walk - at my insistence - along the sidewalks in Florida and I would point out the homes and say, "That'd be a good granny house."

In my mind, I was envisioning who lived there. What did they do for a living? Did they have children? Happily married?

I also envisioned having my grandkids there....visiting me when I was old.

I would envision where I would put the kiddy pool and swing set. A pond. A bird bath.

I even envisioned what it might look like inside. The colors and textures.

Today I can't think of a single word for how I feel. Helpless? Maybe.

A good person is being hurt and betrayed and abused and I cannot do anything about it.

It just makes me think of how horrible this world is...how horrible people can be. I have even had God-forbidden thoughts of ways I wish this man could be punished for how badly he is treating people.

I know it's wrong but that's how helpless I feel. Just thoughts. And I know thoughts are energy... I know.

God...

I just want to feel safe.

I just want to be able to sit down or lie down and rest. Just once. Just once.