Just wanna rip everything up. Tear everything apart. Burn it all down. None of it belongs to me. None of it suits me. The gifts. The flowers. The jewelry. The bedding. None of it.
I feel like a ghost and I want to be one. I don't want anyone to know or notice me. I'm not ready for that.
I hate me.
HATE ME.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Peace?
Had another nightmare last night - of him. Woke myself up screaming. God I wish he knew how horribly he hurt me. I wish he could feel the fear - even if just for a moment.
I recently met a woman who told me her father, too, had molested her but that he did 10 years in prison for it and died recently - in December.
"It was the first time in my life I've ever felt peace," she said. "Not that I wished him dead, just it was the first time I ever felt peace."
It made me cry. Her mother had been a staunch supporter of her through it all and I wondered - marveled - at that. Wondered what that would be like.
But then I kind of lost it and I realized I won't ever know when my father dies. How long does that mean I have to wait for peace? And what about the others? I won't know when they're gone. I cried for two hours over this. Sobbed.
Is that when you find peace after all this? When they're all cold in the ground or sitting in an urn on a mantle somewhere?
Knowing there's a rapist around every corner in every walk of life, will there ever be peace?
I recently met a woman who told me her father, too, had molested her but that he did 10 years in prison for it and died recently - in December.
"It was the first time in my life I've ever felt peace," she said. "Not that I wished him dead, just it was the first time I ever felt peace."
It made me cry. Her mother had been a staunch supporter of her through it all and I wondered - marveled - at that. Wondered what that would be like.
But then I kind of lost it and I realized I won't ever know when my father dies. How long does that mean I have to wait for peace? And what about the others? I won't know when they're gone. I cried for two hours over this. Sobbed.
Is that when you find peace after all this? When they're all cold in the ground or sitting in an urn on a mantle somewhere?
Knowing there's a rapist around every corner in every walk of life, will there ever be peace?
Sunday, July 14, 2013
CT Snobs/friends/reality
Going back home today. I've been crying and crying. Parts of me just paralyzed by fear and trembling with anxiety.
So much pain in Connecticut - a place I once revered, now just gray with disgrace.
There have been a handful of people who made me cry, just by being kind, but all-in-all it's a sheltered, unkind place that turns a snooty nose up and a blind eye to the atrocities that happen in REAL life. This was just reinforced for me yesterday when a wealthy family tried to get $20 a week from me to help get Trevor to the summer school program.
It's MAYBE (and I do mean MAYBE) two miles out of their way - their daughter goes there too - and Trevor would meet them on their route. Still this family - with their two nice cars and fancy house - want $20 a week from me? I get $180 a month in food stamps! Seriously!?
Clueless.
Much more to it but, to me, it epitomizes the general morality of this state (sorry to the nice people). Want me gone? Oh trust me, no more than I want to be gone, but treating people like second-rate garbage is inexcusable. Especially people in need and especially CHILDREN in need. But like I told them: if you can do it and you don't, shame on you.
I can't wait to get the hell away from this place.
Everything here was ruined by him.
I get sick to my stomach if I see the river or a boat or a white van or burgundy truck. I know how fake people act because of him. I was duped and it split my heart in two. I can't stand knowing what I know now and still live here. I can't wait to get AWAY!!
Of course, that's my Modus Operand: Run Away.
But like a new, not-really-friend-but-someone-who-is-smart told me: Get rid of the stress. You'll never get over the PTSD if you don't remove the stress from your life. I need that. God I need that. People - people like his brother and their friends and HIM and his friends would say things like, "stop living in the past" or "let go of the past" or "you gotta move on" or wtf ever their choice of words may be but the message is: GET OVER IT!
OMG if only - IF ONLY - I'd had just a spanking here and there and an emotionally suffocating mother and an absentee father. OMG if ONLY my father had just been "absentee" but no he had to be absentee AND a pedophile AND a violent psychopath and sociopath!! Oh Jesus these people (not all, but most - those who proclaimed to be my "friend" for the most part) just don't GET IT!!!!
Oh I'm so angry. God I'm angry. Probably at the wrong people, but for the right reasons.
And he....he wants me to "move on" or "get over it" and he doesn't understand what he DID TO ME! What he did to TREVOR! How he HURT US!
I know he will one day. I believe that, spiritually and I believe it's two-fold: I, too, will know what/how I hurt and/or frightened him but right now, I'm dealing with me and trying so hard to please so many people and do the right thing - always always always trying to do the right thing and why?
To be loved.
That's it.
Just to be loved.
</rant>
There have been a handful of people who made me cry, just by being kind, but all-in-all it's a sheltered, unkind place that turns a snooty nose up and a blind eye to the atrocities that happen in REAL life. This was just reinforced for me yesterday when a wealthy family tried to get $20 a week from me to help get Trevor to the summer school program.
It's MAYBE (and I do mean MAYBE) two miles out of their way - their daughter goes there too - and Trevor would meet them on their route. Still this family - with their two nice cars and fancy house - want $20 a week from me? I get $180 a month in food stamps! Seriously!?
Clueless.
Much more to it but, to me, it epitomizes the general morality of this state (sorry to the nice people). Want me gone? Oh trust me, no more than I want to be gone, but treating people like second-rate garbage is inexcusable. Especially people in need and especially CHILDREN in need. But like I told them: if you can do it and you don't, shame on you.
I can't wait to get the hell away from this place.
Everything here was ruined by him.
I get sick to my stomach if I see the river or a boat or a white van or burgundy truck. I know how fake people act because of him. I was duped and it split my heart in two. I can't stand knowing what I know now and still live here. I can't wait to get AWAY!!
Of course, that's my Modus Operand: Run Away.
But like a new, not-really-friend-but-someone-who-is-smart told me: Get rid of the stress. You'll never get over the PTSD if you don't remove the stress from your life. I need that. God I need that. People - people like his brother and their friends and HIM and his friends would say things like, "stop living in the past" or "let go of the past" or "you gotta move on" or wtf ever their choice of words may be but the message is: GET OVER IT!
OMG if only - IF ONLY - I'd had just a spanking here and there and an emotionally suffocating mother and an absentee father. OMG if ONLY my father had just been "absentee" but no he had to be absentee AND a pedophile AND a violent psychopath and sociopath!! Oh Jesus these people (not all, but most - those who proclaimed to be my "friend" for the most part) just don't GET IT!!!!
Oh I'm so angry. God I'm angry. Probably at the wrong people, but for the right reasons.
And he....he wants me to "move on" or "get over it" and he doesn't understand what he DID TO ME! What he did to TREVOR! How he HURT US!
I know he will one day. I believe that, spiritually and I believe it's two-fold: I, too, will know what/how I hurt and/or frightened him but right now, I'm dealing with me and trying so hard to please so many people and do the right thing - always always always trying to do the right thing and why?
To be loved.
That's it.
Just to be loved.
</rant>
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