Like stone

1:30 in the morning;
Another bad dream
Arise you idiot
I silently scream

Shake it off--
My logical voice.
My God, how I try
too much noise

I sit visiting the dark
At my beat-up desk
Mentally wiping
The hurt from my chest

I try to read or breathe
Watch a film til it's done
Nothing works
And 4:30 comes

I take Nyquil
Just to quiet my head
But the dream remains
As I lay down in bed

The lump is there
The struggle is rough
The first sob escapes
Silent but tough

I will not cry
I think in my mind
Another sob
And another behind

Tears fall like pebbles
Tiny dings as they hit
Soaking my pillow
Making my hair stick

I beat myself up
Fool! Idiot! Baby! I hear
But they keep on,
More and more tears

Another bad dream
Same four nights in a row
Set on repeat
I cry to my pillow.

44

Today is my birthday. Here, at home, Bill & Trevor gave me cards and some gifts. I was so happy with the gifts and the cards (Bill's card made my eyes tear up a bit)

I don't think it's this way with everyone, but for me, after a certain age, they start to just kind of roll by so fast you don't pay much attention to them (I didn't even know how old I was going to be lol).

Today I got a text message from my mom - Cindy - and from my surrogate daughter - Hannah. It's not a card...no. And not a present... but it WAS a gift. A gift from them both.

And it's not that I don't appreciate the dozens of birthday wishes online on FB because I do but I also recognize FB tells folks when it's your birthday so many wished me a happy birthday....

Including my own daughter. No phone call. Not even a text.

That hurt.

The only consolation was the two texts I got from Cindy and Hannah for which I am grateful (Hannah even remembers our "anniversary" lol)

I have not heard from my oldest yet. I get choked up thinking about it because I've always believed (an have modeled) that birthdays should begin with a happy note in the morning so you can celebrate that special day, all day, knowing people DID remember (not reminded) your day of birth. Your existence in this world.

I'm also very close to my oldest and always have been. And I have made mega mistakes as a mom but I've also done some pretty great things and created happy memories for my children. I've done the best I can, with the little bit of guidance I had. Mostly from bits and pieces of different women (Aunt Neen).

My first worry about this day - today - started a week ago when I hoped to God my daughter, who I love and miss so much, wouldn't text me...least of all call me but would, instead, tell me happy birthday on FB the way I was invited to her baby shower. On FB. By a third party even (Though well intended) it hurt.

So I guess it feels like I am just FB friends with my daughter or even less. She wished me happy birthday in the same way that people I've neve even met did. People who don't even really know me but we're kind enough to post birthday wishes.

Thank you Cindy and Hannah. I love you both and I sit here crying now, knowing you thought of me enough and I mean enough to get a happy birthday text from you. <3