Nightmares

Tonight I feel sad. I've put everyone to bed and I am alone but it feels like more than alone. I cannot describe it. Half of me wants to cut, burn or somehow hurt myself but I feel beholden, believe it or not, to my therapist - Ellen.

So strange that I miss and love my children so much, yet she's the one I can't let down.

The nightmares are terrible. I have no appetite and no energy. Ellen and I agree this is from a lifetime of wearing necessary masks. I need control. Must have it. So many times as an infant, child, teenager and adult I have been molested, beaten, abused... I have learned the habit of controlling.

There's so much more to it...God, so much more.

But for now, I am sad.

Denial

Sitting in the seats
watching the show
half-hearted, half-listening
to things I want not to know

Stories and flashes
Flicker inside, too
"Yes, girl,"
"Yes this happened to you."

"NO IT DIDN'T!"
some part of me fights
yet from that same place
buried deep, a spark of light

Not of judgment nor fear
not of hatred or guilt
just a glimpse - a tiny scrape -
in a wall I have built.

"Impossible," I think
And I turn the movie off
Shut down the fight
Turn off the light

Still I ponder
And some part of me aches
"You'll know me one day,
Whatever it takes."

I shush it with distraction
Any will do,
Still I hear that whisper,
"Yes, honey, this happened to you."