My nightmares are juxtapositions of the only three serious relationships I have ever had: Terry, Gary and Bill. I loved them all.
I also loved Daddy.
In my dreams, one of these loves (except Daddy) will be doing something but it's not really them; it's one of the others, even if it seems like them.
Tonight I'm having enormous anxiety over G. I still can't handle the pictures and the lies and the betrayal and perversions. The abuse and the abandonment. The mixed messages.
I know it's him - it's him who was unable to commit.
I begged. Just as I have with the other two and especially the way I have in the past with Daddy. I threw myself at his feet, begging, crying.
He kicked me while I was down and laughed as he walked away, a new love already waiting.
I should have known.
If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.
I wish I could remove him from my mind. Erase him from my memory. I'd rather have a black space of five years, than memories of a five-year lie.
