Feelings

My name is Cristina D. Johnson

The past couple of days have been hard - dissociated the other night, got overwhelmed by thoughts and memories of "him" and today....just started uncontrollably crying - again, thoughts of "him" and berating myself for feeling.

Sitting in the parking lot at Stop and Shop bawling, hitting my steering wheel and inside, screaming at myself, "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!"

I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to feel this pain and this confusion. I'm confused about what I feel. What do I feel? I am rather new to this. I've never really been allowed to have feelings - mostly because I didn't trust my feelings. Didn't trust anything about myself so I just go with the crowd, run with the traffic, do, act and be whatever everyone else is...because I don't have a fucking clue who I am.

Now I have these fucking feelings that I can't help but feel and it is killing me. It's confusing me. I don't know what to feel or if what I'm feeling is right or wrong.

I feel so deeply betrayed and hurt and dear God so wounded....so wounded. Part of me that was once bitterly angry, is now just bleeding pain inside. I was never anything - I never mattered and oh God how that hurts. God how that hurts. I was nothing. I was dispensable. I was unimportant. Nothing I wanted, ever mattered. Ever.

Oh God that hurts.

And there won't ever be closure. There won't ever be amends. How desperately I wish he could see my pain. How desperately I wish he could know how much more damaged I am now, learning through our break up that I was just...nothing.

Ever.

Damaged where I was already beaten and battered, and I dared to let him in and once he was in there - in the end - he ripped it to shreds and left it that way, gaping, shredded to hell.

It makes every relationship complicated. Every relationship terrifying. Even my relationship with myself.

I loved you so much.... I gave you so much more than I ever gave anyone...told you more than I've ever told anyone....trusted you more than I ever trusted anyone....invested in US because I believed in us. In the end, when I needed you most, you took what I gave you and used it to hurt me so deeply. I didn't know what to do, except fight back and I did until my fight was gone. And now there's just this huge, immobilizing pain and I am beyond confused.

You said to move forward. That you found something better. You carried on with your partying as if I never existed. As if we never existed.

I've got something better too but because of you and because of all this pain, I don't trust any of it and that hurts. That hurts everyone....everyone and it makes me feel like a horrible human being because of people who are trying to help me and I can't even trust  them. What kind of person am I?

What's wrong with me? Why can't I just do what you did? Why can't I just "move forward" like you did? What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with me, that I don't know what to do about feelings? I don't know anything about it.... I don't know what to do with them and I can't help how I feel. I can't stop it. It hurts so much, that I was nothing.