Forever spoken
Never heard again
The wound that rides
a whisper in the wind
Can they see it?
Will they know?
Do I look okay?
Do my scars show?
Who am I kidding?
Of course they see
It's like a disease
spread all over me.
Staring, I know
Their disdain and sneers
So I swing, swing hard
when anyone nears
The smile is pretty
beneath it, is rot
but this mask I wear
is all I've got.
It's all I've mastered
and I'm damn good
Sit still and listen
like a good girl should
Walk away quickly
when someone is kind
run, run away
they'll change their mind
There's alternate meaning
to every touch
although you ache for it
Oh so much
Remember the whisper
the wound's still alive
it's in the air
it still survives
Burning an inside
already marred
crisp with rage
with terror, charred
Memories choke me
like swallowing tar
get out, get out!
whoever you are!
Give me my mask
I'll smile a sweet smile
bitterly isolated
all the while
Because I know the truth
It's all a big front
To be perfect, wanted, loved...
To be whatever you want
This skin isn't mine
Lost long before
These chills you give me
I try to ignore
This ache in my chest
When I see your face
This dare to believe
In a different kind of place
My heart pounds
the whisper returns
Run away, Run away!
You're gonna get burned
But I peek through the curtain
and there he stands
Same as always...
same smile, same hands
Same kindness and face
green eyes that care
See beyond what I hide
Is there hope there?
Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Too deep to hear
My name is Cristina D. Johnson.
The past few days have been incredibly difficult. I've been dissociating more and it's absolutely terrifying. I wake up not remembering things I've done (I didn't remember writing the last blog) or I am suddenly somewhere I don't remember going to, wondering where I am and how I got there. Nothing dangerous - usually in the house - but it feels like someone's plopped me down into a foreign country. The headaches are worse, and they're daily.
My therapist was gone for nine days so I didn't have the regular appointments I usually do... we talked today about whether or not that might have something to do with the email I sent her today that simply said, "I am nervous to see you today" to which she replied, "Well then it's probably a good thing you're coming! See you at 3!"
Today she pulled a lot out of me, really. It's so hard to trust.... so hard.... but I want to heal and I want to be something, do something, make a difference so this is something I have to do.
Interestingly, she gave me an analogy similar to one I recently blogged (about being in a dark tunnel) and what she said, turned me inside out.
"I always tell my interns, there are people [like me] who are so far down this hole - it's like a well - that goes way, way, way down and it's so dark, they don't see the light and they cannot hear anyone's voices calling them to climb the ladder up," she said.
"My job is to go down there to you, and I will. I will go down in that darkness with you and I won't pull you up, I will be behind you with my hand on your back and you will make it to the light."
She was very gentle as she said this. Today's session was very gentle because I was very weakened and vulnerable.
She also asked if she could share something with me, that she learned from her retreat.
"Yes," I said.
She went on to describe that the break-up I've gone through isn't like a fifth-grade, "I don't want to play with you anymore" kind of break-up. This was a heart-breaking break-up from someone you expected to be a life partner.
She used her hands to illustrate that "When our hearts are broken, we are busy building walls around it, tall, thick brick walls to protect it when, in reality, when our hearts are broken, they are open."
I envisioned a butterfly, spreading it's wings.
It was very moving to me, to think of it that way. Yes, my heart is broken and omg am I vulnerable right now but I keep putting up these walls....not just to protect myself, but also to protect others (something I've done my whole life).
I have to give some serious thought to her analogy and telling me that she would have her hand on my back. It literally ached in my chest and I bawled all the way home.
I wonder who else will be there....at the top of the ladder.
The past few days have been incredibly difficult. I've been dissociating more and it's absolutely terrifying. I wake up not remembering things I've done (I didn't remember writing the last blog) or I am suddenly somewhere I don't remember going to, wondering where I am and how I got there. Nothing dangerous - usually in the house - but it feels like someone's plopped me down into a foreign country. The headaches are worse, and they're daily.
My therapist was gone for nine days so I didn't have the regular appointments I usually do... we talked today about whether or not that might have something to do with the email I sent her today that simply said, "I am nervous to see you today" to which she replied, "Well then it's probably a good thing you're coming! See you at 3!"
Today she pulled a lot out of me, really. It's so hard to trust.... so hard.... but I want to heal and I want to be something, do something, make a difference so this is something I have to do.
Interestingly, she gave me an analogy similar to one I recently blogged (about being in a dark tunnel) and what she said, turned me inside out.
"I always tell my interns, there are people [like me] who are so far down this hole - it's like a well - that goes way, way, way down and it's so dark, they don't see the light and they cannot hear anyone's voices calling them to climb the ladder up," she said.
"My job is to go down there to you, and I will. I will go down in that darkness with you and I won't pull you up, I will be behind you with my hand on your back and you will make it to the light."
She was very gentle as she said this. Today's session was very gentle because I was very weakened and vulnerable.
She also asked if she could share something with me, that she learned from her retreat.
"Yes," I said.
She went on to describe that the break-up I've gone through isn't like a fifth-grade, "I don't want to play with you anymore" kind of break-up. This was a heart-breaking break-up from someone you expected to be a life partner.
She used her hands to illustrate that "When our hearts are broken, we are busy building walls around it, tall, thick brick walls to protect it when, in reality, when our hearts are broken, they are open."
I envisioned a butterfly, spreading it's wings.
It was very moving to me, to think of it that way. Yes, my heart is broken and omg am I vulnerable right now but I keep putting up these walls....not just to protect myself, but also to protect others (something I've done my whole life).
I have to give some serious thought to her analogy and telling me that she would have her hand on my back. It literally ached in my chest and I bawled all the way home.
I wonder who else will be there....at the top of the ladder.
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