Too deep to hear

My name is Cristina D. Johnson.

The past few days have been incredibly difficult. I've been dissociating more and it's absolutely terrifying. I wake up not remembering things I've done (I didn't remember writing the last blog) or I am suddenly somewhere I don't remember going to, wondering where I am and how I got there. Nothing dangerous - usually in the house - but it feels like someone's plopped me down into a foreign country. The headaches are worse, and they're daily.

My therapist was gone for nine days so I didn't have the regular appointments I usually do... we talked today about whether or not that might have something to do with the email I sent her today that simply said, "I am nervous to see you today" to which she replied, "Well then it's probably a good thing you're coming! See you at 3!"

 Today she pulled a lot out of me, really. It's so hard to trust.... so hard.... but I want to heal and I want to be something, do something, make a difference so this is something I have to do.

Interestingly, she gave me an analogy similar to one I recently blogged (about being in a dark tunnel) and what she said, turned me inside out.

"I always tell my interns, there are people [like me] who are so far down this hole - it's like a well - that goes way, way, way down and it's so dark, they don't see the light and they cannot hear anyone's voices calling them to climb the ladder up," she said.

"My job is to go down there to you, and I will. I will go down in that darkness with you and I won't pull you up, I will be behind you with my hand on your back and you will make it to the light."

She was very gentle as she said this. Today's session was very gentle because I was very weakened and vulnerable.

She also asked if she could share something with me, that she learned from her retreat.

"Yes," I said.

She went on to describe that the break-up I've gone through isn't like a fifth-grade, "I don't want to play with you anymore" kind of break-up. This was a heart-breaking break-up from someone you expected to be a life partner.

She used her hands to illustrate that "When our hearts are broken, we are busy building walls around it, tall, thick brick walls to protect it when, in reality, when our hearts are broken, they are open."

I envisioned a butterfly, spreading it's wings.

It was very moving to me, to think of it that way. Yes, my heart is broken and omg am I vulnerable right now but I keep putting up these walls....not just to protect myself, but also to protect others (something I've done my whole life).

I have to give some serious thought to her analogy and telling me that she would have her hand on my back. It literally ached in my chest and I bawled all the way home.

I wonder who else will be there....at the top of the ladder.