Character Flaws

My Name is Cristina D. Johnson.

Had therapy today - she made me cry. The discussion was about me asking the question, how come all of "our friends" see what he's done (or know what he was doing) and they still just want to hang out with him, and haven't even reached out to me?

"I don't understand," I lamented.

"What would understanding, do for you?" she asked.

This is a question I took in and really thought on.

"That's a very profound question," I answered, as my eyes began to tear up. It brought up such immense pain, that I stuttered out the answer after a few moments of silent tears.

"Understanding why....would help me to know I'm not ugly or dirty or unworthy," I choked out.

Why? Why didn't anyone check on me? This has plagued me for months. I wondered, how could people want to be with someone who was so hurtful, so insensitive to me - their "friend" - in desperate need of help and compassion. How could they all abandon me in favor of someone who did such detrimental things to me at such a critical time? Why?

I couldn't understand it and it's hurt me.

"Has it occurred to you that it's not you, but them?" she asked.

No...it hadn't because of all the things he said about me. People just took his word for it and I know the picture painted of me would look like a painting dropped in mud. It hadn't occurred to me that the problem may be theirs.

"Relationships end," she said matter-of-factly.

I hadn't thought of that.

"Clearly [he] didn't have the tenacity to help you through the pain you're going through," she said, adding, "and maybe those 'friends' don't either. That's their problem - it's not your problem. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you," she said. "Perhaps it's just part of their character flaws."

"Two suicide attempts is hard for some people to take," she said. Which I acknowledge, but have made as many apologies as possible for.

She remarked on Bill and Cindy and Hannah, saying how these are the kinds of people I need in my life: supportive, understanding, compassionate, patient.

"Bill is the kind of guy you need," she said. "He obviously truly wants to see you healthy and independent and he's proven it."

This, too, made me cry and I admitted to her that I - for a brief moment the other day, after blogging about him - allowed myself to believe I deserve to be treated the way he treats me; with kindness and consideration and respect and genuine love.

I have an event coming up. We talked about it briefly....I am a little nervous about it. She suggested, "So don't do it?"

"I already said yes," I responded.

"So why not back out? You've done it before with [Dee] and with Tony. Why not now?"

I began to cry again.

"Because if I step outside of my box, and my comfort zone [of conformity and complacency], then people will leave."

"So you're afraid if you step out of your box, people will leave you?"

Yes. If I don't do what I'm supposed to do, people will leave me.

What a terrible way to live...a terrible way to believe.

And that's how I've always been.