It's Complicated

My name is Cristina D. Johnson

I was talking with Hannah last night via text, as we do almost every night. I was also talking to Bill, simultaneously - also, as every night.

I've cried, I think, every single day since Saturday, when Bill showed up for my birthday. Sometimes it's just a little cry, sometimes it's a sobbing, snotty cry. Sometimes it's just a quiet, keep-to-yourself cry...today it was an all-out, shaking, confused, terrified, time-for-a-klonopin-and-a-beer kind of cry.

My eyes hurt. My nose hurts. My lips hurt. (My lips don't hurt from crying, though....f'n fever blisters!)

Anyway, it was interesting to get validation from my 18-year-old protege' ...so young in her years, yet in many ways, so, so wise.

I was talking to Bill, as I mentioned. I took him to the airport Wednesday. My adoptive mother - Cindy - went with me (Bill asked her because he was concerned about me being alone, once I dropped him off). The ride home was relatively quiet, although we did talk a little bit.

But as soon as she was out of the car and I pulled out of her driveway on my way home, I cried all the way. Snow and rain began to beat the windshield as Winter Storm Athena rolled in. It seemed suitable, given the circumstances.

I must first, I suppose, try as best as I possibly can, to sum up what makes him so spectacular. First of all (and anyone who has ever met him, will attest to this), EVERYBODY loves Bill. Everyone. I've never seen an exception. His energy is calm. He is so laid back, so "chill" and open-minded. So, so calm. Just being around him and breathing him in, is soothing.

While he was here, we:

• Played in the leaves they raked in the yard (he got me good, dumped a whole load on my head)
• Danced in the front yard, to nothing but the wind
• Played cards and chess with Trevor almost every night (a real treat for Trevor - he adores Bill)
• He fixed all my storm windows (I couldn't get most of them closed)
• Put together my new office chair (no way I coulda done it)
• Looked at my car (I am apparently leaking antifreeze...he tightened the hose clamp, for now)
• Went to Aggie's Village Restaurant in Ivoryton - just down the street. Sat at the little bar and had breakfast together. Ordered almost exactly the same things.
• Sat outside on the porch, wrapped in blankets
• Cooked dinner together (twice)
• Went to Oliver's Tavern and restaurant on his last night here - ordered exactly the same thing, except I got bleu cheese and he ordered raspberry vinaigrette. (I have to point out that as we were sitting down, he stood there, and I asked, "what's wrong?" and he said, "I'm trying to decide if I want to sit next to you or across from you." So I moved over and he snuggled in next to me because sitting across from me was too far).
• He helped Trevor to earn money he needed to buy a couple things he wanted
• Cleaned up after me when I threw up (not alcohol-related), washed the clothes (twice) and cleaned out the washing machine.
• Went to the laundromat with me, helped me do the clothes
• Took out the trash
• Cleaned up while I was at my therapy session
• Sat on the couch, with every candle and incense lit, just talking after Trevor went to bed (we did this a lot)
• Went to Yankee Candle and he bought me another candle and himself a tart warmer with some great tarts, plus treated me to some, too.
• Bought Trevor a winter coat

I'm sure there are many more things...many more.

I talked to Bill - told him this - and also told Michelle (my therapist) that there was this moment. This moment when it just hit me "I love you!"  -  it was the moment I saw him standing there in the front yard with roses on my birthday. When I felt every cell in my body explode, when I couldn't control my screaming and my legs couldn't move fast enough and I couldn't wrap my arms around him quickly or tightly enough. When I couldn't even speak, when my legs wanted to collapse...that was that moment, when it hit me, "Oh my God, you love him."

Of course, I've always loved Bill (don't forget we went through a lot over the past 10+ years) and when we dated before, it was just about the same - a few differences, but he was always consistent and loving and attentive.

Throughout my relationship with Gary he was my sounding board and although he never said a bad thing about Gary, he was always there to listen. Of course, now, it's different. Now he admits all along that he knew Gary wasn't right for me, but he waited...he waited for me...

I don't know what to think of that...

So back to the conversation with Hannah....

I told her, as I cried, (paraphrasing), "I feel like I'm bad if I love him. Like I'm being bad."

"Yeah, like you're breaking some rule or something."

"Yes! Exactly!"

It is a child-like feeling. You don't want anyone to know that you love someone....you don't even want to admit to yourself that you might love someone, so much that just a mere memory of his face, brings tears to your eyes that just won't stop falling. I'm afraid to tell anyone....why?

Where does this come from? And what does the fact that Hannah and I are both incest survivors have to do with this 'rule-breaking' thing?

Bill, through the conversation, said, "It's okay. I want you to question it. I want you to be sure about everything. I want you to question everything and be sure it's what you want," because, well, that's how Bill is. But he didn't really understand - probably can't understand - what even I and Hannah fail to understand.

What is this unspoken "rule" we hold ourselves to? Do not love. You cannot love. It's against the rules!

Where does this come from?

Today, I panicked, full-blown....oh God...that fear of that "rule" combined with this desperate need to see him again, have him touch my face the way he does, hold my hands the way he does, make me laugh the way he does, treat Trevor the way he does.... with so much love, appreciation and devotion.

I love him...I am afraid.... I love him....I miss him...I am afraid...

I want him home.