Christmas Eve

I woke up Christmas morning - yesterday - with a very strange sensation. It was like I was home  from vacation, only I didn't remember the vacation.

I didn't say anything to Bill but I only remembered bits and pieces of the night before. I didn't remember the day before at all, until we later talked a little about it and he reminded me of things I'd done.

I hadn't remembered going to see my therapist, nor what we talked about until Bill reminded me. I hadn't remembered the cooking or going to the store, wrapping the presents or putting them under the tree.

I remembered little, and it was so embarrassing and unnerving.

Too much stress.

It made Christmas a difficult day...I was unable to find my balance.

Christmas night, I fell asleep and dreamed of Gary again. I was underwater and he was doing something the equivalent of playing a video game, with me as one of the characters in the game.

I no longer want to dream about him. Why would I? I don't think of him during my waking hours. Or, rarely.

I thought of a few old "friends" Christmas Day - wondered how they were doing - and got a Merry Christmas text message from one of them. I did not recognize the number so I responded in kind, and asked who it was. She told me. I didn't answer.

Duct tape girl. Yeah, thanks for the holiday greetings. Like many, perhaps Christmas is the only time you're compassionate.

Whatever....guess I'm just being pessimistic. Christmas has been difficult.

Eased a lot by dinner last night and good company.

Too much stress right now. I am afraid.