Us Versus Them (and other things)

My name is Cristina D. Johnson

Had a good session today. And by "good," I mean: I cried.

To me, crying feels almost as good as sneezing.

There was a lot to talk about and even though I've been seeing Michelle for several months, I still struggle opening up.

We talked a lot about Bill, who is home now. Interestingly, I have shut down. While I've spent months talking to him and he's been so loving, supportive, giving and wonderful, now that he's here, my body has shut down.

To be quite honest (skip this part if you don't want TMI), I asked Michelle, "Can I be frank?"

She looked around the office as if to say, "Uhm..hello, you're in a therapists office. This is about the only place in the world you can be frank."

I told her I've had intimacy issues with Bill - not because of Bill, but because of me. Bill is particularly....gifted, let's say, in this department, however I have been unable to fully participate. And, by fully participate, I mean: we've never had intimacy issues - EVER - and now all the sudden I'm having these issues.

So anyway, she said she is not surprised to hear this because - with the latest issues I've been having; nightmares, losing time, panic, etc. - it would seem that we are touching the tip of the iceberg, so to speak, and tapping into deeper things. She acknowledged (which I believe fully) that our bodies store things subconsciously and because we're getting closer to those more painful things from my past, my body is just shutting down.

I cried and I agreed.

But then we talked about something that's been eating at me more than realized...

I was invited to an event at June's Outback Pub in Killingworth. So were over 900 other people. My son works there, too. That's a slight stressor in itself since our relationship has gone through so many changes over the past year. But that isn't the problem.

The problem is that Gary was also invited. I found out through facebook that he, too, is on the list of invitees and this, I told Michelle, is weighing heavily on me.

This is when we started talking about "us versus them" and I told her I'd struggled with it..I haven't gone out (as in, out for drinks), since moving here and I only went out once since breaking up with Gary. I told him multiple times during that painful process that he'd ruined my life here. And he had. He did. I can't go anywhere to sing karaoke. I can't go to the old places I used to go to because he made sure to ruin me everywhere he could, for the sake of making himself look better. Whatever. That's fine.

But Junes, well, I figured it was a safe place to go, plus I'd have Bill with me and (I am hoping, hoping, hoping) a few other friends, plus my adoptive parents. They're going to have karaoke, which I haven't done in months and miss terribly. It's my therapy, outside of therapy. It's the only place I've ever had a voice.

I had it in my head that I would go and just be me. Just be there with Bill and my friends and just have fun... and sing! I want to sing a new song; a song for Bill. A song that I've practiced for weeks because it's so fitting for our relationship. Oh I was so excited about it.

But Gary, see, never goes anywhere alone. He brings all of the "thems" with him. The "thems" that he swore to me never existed when I would talk to him about it.

Oh yes, there are "us's" and "them's"

The "us's" are those of us who have been raped, molested, brutalized, and abused. We are the ones who feel like everything ugly shows and there's nothing about us that anyone could possibly love. There's something inherently wrong with us, because if there wasn't, then none of that stuff would have happened to us. The "us's" believe the "them's" are stuck-up, snobby, snooty and will never get it. They're dispassionate and out of touch with reality. Not all of "them" are like that - some are just devoid of any connection to it at all and it's not that they don't care, it's just that they don't acknowledge that.

That's the kind of "them" that Gary is.

So I told Michelle I was terrified of showing up with the intention of seeing my son, having a good time and singing my new song to Bill, only to find Gary showed up at the ONE PLACE that he didn't destroy for me. The ONE PLACE I feel okay going to.

Please, don't take that away from me. Please just let me have this....this one night.

So much more going on, so much happening it's like being caught in a whirlwind that's about to turn into a tornado.

You're swirling around and things feel out of control - and they are - and everything feels uncertain but you know you're about to get hit with a bunch of shit...heavy, hard shit and it's gonna hurt.

One thing about the "us versus them" mentality that I said to Michelle was, "It's a mentality I've had all my life. Or, well, at least since I got old enough to understand society--" and she cut me off.

"Cristina, honey," she said. "You've been living an 'us versus them' life your whole life. It has always been 'us versus them' for you. It started with Cristina and [my little brother] against your parents."

I nodded, silent, and quietly cried. I let the tears fall, and let acceptance slowly creep into my cerebrum. I will need to give some more thought to this.

If any of my friends read this, I'd love to see you at June's on the 9th. I miss having friends; I miss singing karaoke; I miss going out and not being so isolated and having friends there, helps me feel less afraid. So, if you read this, join us.

-C