Almost Suicide

"Almost Suicide"...suicide ideation..It happened to me last night. Only, there's way more to it than that.

Last night, I was experiencing this. I was triggered - I know I was triggered because I don't remember half of it now - but I know it was my ex boyfriend who triggered me. An argument ensued. I'm reading over some of the text messages sent. He said I was sleeping in "HIS bed" - which is actually a sleeper sofa in my room. But I think that was only part of the trigger. The big trigger was going out. I was planning on possibly  going out with a friend to a place me and my ex often went to, to sing karaoke. When I told him this, he said he wouldn't go. I think this was the biggest trigger.

After my flashback the other day, the big flashing red neon sign in my life is "SHAME!"; since that flashback, I can't even brush my teeth without gagging. I put my partial (tooth) in and gag every time. I take my meds, and almost vomit (actually did vomit this morning).

So feeling like he was ashamed to be seen with me in public (he's said as much), triggered me further and I was out of control. I know- from the texts- he said I hit and yelled at him, but I defended myself saying I'd shoved him. It's not uncommon for him to blow things WAY out of proportion. He always, always exaggerates. I couldn't tell you what happened but I do remember leaving. I took all my pills with me, so desperately broken-hearted that he would go to "our place" and piss on it like that. So hurt. In one text, I said "Go out to your precious bars and, like always, pretend I don't exist. Because I don't."

Anyway at some point I sent him a threatening text message about suicide.Something about drink all your happy drinks with "our friends" (your friends) I'll be dead - something like that.

We talked about this weeks ago - about how a person can be talked down, how I can be talked down, and need to be. This is what you do with someone who feels they can't take anymore. You show love, concern and you talk to them. Yes it takes time, but that's what you do.You're gentle and kind and you just care. Just talk to them. I know this from both my own experiences, and experiences I've had with others.

People suffering from suicide ideation do not want to die; they want a reason or reasons not to die. Mostly, I believe they just need to feel loved, like they matter. It takes a lot of emotion - authentic emotion - to do that. It takes time. It takes attention - honest attention.

So last night, I reached out to a friend of mine but my texts weren't going through to her, for some reason.

Meanwhile, my ex calls the police. Smart move, asshole. Make me feel MORE shame. Create a circus - have friggin state trooper cars surrounding me, picking at my stuff, asking me questions, as I sat parked by the water. They didn't even want to let me take my car home (insisted I go home - the last place in the WORLD I wanted to be). Humiliating. I told them I was not going to be trapped in that house without my car. Told them they were welcome to follow me home.

So I came home, he left. Went out to his precious bar, as if his work was done. He called the cops. I told him he was a coward and even used the "P" word and yelled at him for forgetting our talk - that I'd told him I could be talked down. He forgot. Not only did he forget, but he did the stupidest thing he could've done.

As if - AS IF - I would EVER tell the cops (or anyone with the power to lock me up) that I'm suicidal? People with suicide ideation aren't  STUPID, they're HURTING and they're AFRAID and they're most likely TRIGGERED.

I told the cops everything they wanted to hear. How do I know what they needed to hear? Because I was raised in the system and I know all the right things to say. That's how. And if - IF - they had taken me to a crisis center, I'd have done the same thing there - I'd have told them all the right things. Just because I'm depressed, triggered and hurting, doesn't mean I'm stupid.

But my trust in my ex is gone. It was already broken, now it's completely gone. I see him as an emotional coward, unwilling or unintelligent or both, to talk me through a crisis, despite my telling him that's what he should do, if it ever happened again. But he's so wrapped up in himself and his "stuff" ....I never mattered. That hurts. I am still bitterly angry as I write this. So deeply hurt. So deeply wounded. I didn't matter enough for him to listen. I didn't matter enough for him to talk to me. I'm sleeping on "his" bed (the sofa sleeper) - as if I'm just some stranger who hasn't spent the past five years with him, supporting him, caring about him. Instead, he had to call the cops - have someone else take care of his problem.

Don't do this to people who you love, who are going through suicide ideation - in fact, you don't even have to love them; just care enough about another human being to take time out of your life to talk to them - they just need to matter, just need to be heard. The worst thing you could do is call the cops or a hospital and have them locked up. That just compounds the shame they're already feeling.