More Confused

I was once told, "You can take the girl outta the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto outta the girl," by someone who said they loved me.It dug, deep. It hurt because there I was, desperately trying to change my life, move ahead, take some steps up. And then they said that to me.

I realized, in that moment, they didn't - couldn't - love me. I wrote them off, because I couldn't take the pain and the drama. It wasn't what I wanted or needed in my life, as I tried starting anew.

Over the past three weeks, I've been the victim of gaslighting repeatedly. It doesn't help when you already think you're going insane and everything in the world, is your fault and you're wrong and dirty and unlovable. My emotions are so out of whack - I can't help that I cannot shut them off. I just can't...although strangely enough, sometimes I can. I just can't in this position because of the gaslighting.

I recently talked with the person who said those terrible words to me long ago and they were so understanding - they "got it!" - and they were confused about why he doesn't get it. What's so hard about it?

It made me even more confused....that someone who'd once wounded me so deeply, could now be so supportive and know so much and understand so much. They were completely validating and understood.

And yet I also have this man who proclaims to love me, telling lies about me - denying that he is - and then telling me I'm pushing him away because of my reaction to his actions. That's gaslighting. This man who says he loves me but it's moving into hate, because of my reactions to his coldness and his irresponsibility. That's gaslighting. I apologize over and over, yet hear nothing from him about the wrongs he's done to me, and he accuses me of doing things "for affect" and being manipulative and using him, when all I want is to try to work things out, and I get angry and hurt....only to have him shut me off and tell me I'm out of control or I'm making it worse. That's gaslighting.

But me - stubborn me - I keep banging my head against that same wall...wishing I could fix things, knowing they'll never be the same because he keeps doing these things to me, while proclaiming his innocence to others, telling everyone what a great, civil, wonderful guy he is.

I have a friend who says "we don't need a man" and she's right, under normal circumstances, but this is different. This is a five-year relationship that's ending because of my disorders. I needed him. He promised not to give up. I don't take promises lightly. I'm amazed he did. I'm so hurt...my trust is so wounded. Nothing in any of this makes sense. He's not making sense. He says one thing, does another.

He has been going out for weeks telling everyone we're breaking up (while I was stuck in the house, unable to defend myself) and other things that are nobody's business but mine. Yet, then he comes home and talks about possible reconciliation which means he's been lying all along. He never meant to reconcile or he'd have said "well, we're working on it..." or "We're having some problems, but hoping to get through it..." no it was just "we're splitting up" or "she's leaving me" (another gaslighting - you can't threaten me and bully me and expect me to want to stay).

He never tried. He doesn't know how to love. For him, love is being generous. That's not love. That's NOT love!

So then, what is love? For me this love has been utterly confusing, hurtful, untrustworthy, breakable, frightening and unkind. Mostly, it's confusing. I feel like, personally, if my partner had these disorders, I would read and learn everything I possibly could to know more about them, so I could be a better, more supportive partner. I never mattered enough for him to do this.

I never mattered enough...which makes the question, "What's wrong with you?" run through my head like a train, over and over and over again - not for the first time. It's always there. All of those toxic implanted beliefs from being Daddy's little girl and later being raped so many times, those "you are dirty" and "you are worthless" and "Nobody could ever love you" messages are now inflamed, pounding inside my skull, crawling under my skin...and he's only proving them right.

I just can't believe any of this.