Public Breakdown

Yesterday, I went to the store. We were texting - I can't remember what about - and he informed me that he'd told our two friends "weeks ago" that I would not be attending their wedding that we were both invited to.

The last time he and I discussed it, his response was "let's just table it for now," so I did, thinking maybe we could be civil enough to work it out - or even go separately. Whatever. I certainly would have no problem honoring their wedding day and I was looking forward to it.

But yesterday, he told me this and I was crushed.

Let me see if I can articulate it.

First of all, he never told me he didn't want me to go, never anything since the "table it" conversation. And yesterday was the first mention that he'd told them. Why didn't he tell me when he'd told them?? WHY??

Second of all, I know very little about wedding protocol and he knows this. I've been with him for five years, and in those five years I went to the only two weddings I've ever been to in my life, so he knows I don't know much about them.

Third, and most importantly, I felt so violated. It was my job to call her and tell her I wouldn't be coming, not his, because the way I would have said it would have been way different than what he told them (apparently). He accused me of waiting until the last minute but that's because he never said 'no' and also because I didn't know you had to do it in advance. If I had, I certainly would have. But he didn't even have the courtesy to tell me he was going to tell them, to give me the opportunity to do it.

I broke down right there in the store, shaking, crying, nauseated. I didn't even care who was around or who saw me. I was just devastated that he would do something so cold and cruel. Treat me like someone he hasn't ever known; like an asshole. Make me look like an asshole for not calling her and letting her know.

I did end up calling her - got her voicemail. I told her how happy I was for her, and that I know she's going to be a beautiful bride and that I'm sorry I can't be there because of the circumstances but that I know it's just going to be perfect...and hopefully I'll see her around.

I got no response.

He absolutely has ruined my life here.

He also told me yesterday that if there are any "outbursts" or mentions of suicide, he was going to call the cops immediately. (Yes he read my suicide ideation blog) but it doesn't matter because he still has this block in his mind of how to care for and love someone, authentically. It's all about him, but he covers it up by "letting me stay here" and "getting my car fixed" (which was OUR car for over a year and which he never got fixed when it should've been, because it didn't break down from me using it; it broke down from US using it). But then he just keeps shaming and shaming, triggering, gaslighting, and then says I'm crazy when I react out of sheer panic and pain. It's like he wants me to be locked up... and I don't even want to be here. I'm trying to get out and I'm doing all I can do! Can't he just be a little compassionate??