Last Night

It's happened a lot lately: I wake up in the middle of a dead sleep, heart pounding, head thrashing, sweating, but I have no memory of any nightmare, although I know there must've been one.

Last night, I woke up, went downstairs to get an anti-anxiety pill and a sleeping pill. I came back upstairs, took the pills, heart still pounding. What did I dream that would cause me such panic? I wish I could remember.

I walked upstairs, quietly.

I stood there and watched you sleep. You were so peaceful, snoring, of course. T.V. on, of course. I reached over and turned off the T.V. You didn't even budge.

I had this incredible urge to just climb under the covers with you - just to feel the comfort of closeness, just to feel safe. But instead I stood and cried.

I held my stomach, still turning from the panic but beginning to subside. The ache in my heart was now dominating. How your leg spread over to where I once used to lie. Even in sleep, I don't exist for you anymore.

I needed you. But I couldn't say it. 

Instead, I whispered, "I love you."

You didn't rouse.

I left you with your dreams.