My Confession: Coping and Healing

Lately - for the past week or so - I've been going to a spot where I can sit in my car and watch the boats going up and down the river. I take a six-pack with me. It started when the emotions ran too hot at home, and I couldn't  cope.

Better than all the anti-anxiety pills I have (and I have a lot), drinking down the first beer stopped the pain.

By the third beer, I'm only crying intermittently, when thoughts of what's happening and how hopeless or helpless I feel, cross my mind.

This is a coping mechanism...it is not alcoholism.

I've had two therapists and more than one book explain that the coping mechanisms for incest/rape survivors run the gamut:

• binging/eating disorders
• cutting
• drinking
• substance abuse
• self-sabotaging

I'm sure there's more.

But what my therapist said really helped me. She said: These coping skills should be honored for the service they provide you while you're going through this. And she's right.

Now, I'm not saying that sitting at home every night and getting plastered is acceptable, nor is abusive, destructive behavior...but I am saying that people who are partners, family and friends of survivors need to understand that these coping skills are simply a part of the journey. For me, lately, I've been coping with SHAME.

****Trigger warning*****

After a recent horrifying flashback, brought on by my ex, shame bubbled up in my throat and I thought I would vomit. I could clearly see and feel my father's penis touching my mouth. I could literally feel the soft flesh against my lips - it looked so big, in this flashback - it was like it was happening all over again and I felt it all over me, like spiders crawling all over my skin. I couldn't breathe. All I  could see was his penis, all I could feel was it going in my mouth, and all I could think was, SHAME SHAME SHAME!

****End Trigger****

This catapulted me into the past few days of nothing but shame. A hollow woman feeling this deep-down pain and shame and it's shadowed by what's happening in my life. Even though intellectually I know it's from my past, this shame is pulled into the present and I live with it here, and now, unable to emotionally connect it to my past.

So I drink a six-pack by the water when the emotions get too much. It's the only thing that works. The ONLY thing.

Being chastised and criticized for doing the only thing you know to do, to stop the pain is just compounding the shame that survivors already hold. Yes they know it's bad to cut or drink or use drugs. It's bad, bad bad and I'm a bad, bad, bad person if I do it so I better not tell anyone or show anyone. Right?

But the worst thing people  can do is shame a survivor for their coping techniques. The best thing they can do is understand them and know, these are not intended as self-destructive behaviors. They are self-preservation maneuvers. They are not meant to harm anyone else (which is why most of it is done in secret or, conversely, done blatantly to push others away for the same reason - to avoid being chastised).

Self-abuse in all forms is bad. Survivors know this.

But until they've gone through the steps and therapy to know and learn better coping skills, it's all they have.