Ashamed, alone

This morning, I wrote a blog about a meltdown I had last night. It was ugly. Very ugly.

This morning's blog, though, was unfair and unkind, and it was not emotionally honest, so I removed it.

I lashed out at others instead of looking at myself.

Long story short: I went to a friend's house for dinner and drinks. I was going to leave, but was convinced to have another drink, at which point it was decided we call him to pick me up because it wasn't safe for me to drive. For a moment, I don't remember what happened. The next thing I remember is fighting with my friend in her driveway as I was taking off walking. She wasn't doing anything wrong, that I recall so I don't know what caused my angry outburst. I continued walking down the road and in my mind I hear shouts about how I'm going to get her dog killed (because the dog followed us) but it's very vague.

I don't know what happened next, but I do remember sitting on the side of the road with a woman whom I've met a couple of times but who I couldn't tell you what she was wearing or looked like. She was very soothing. She sat down with me and talked to me and I listened. I didn't hear anything but I listened, cried and rocked. And she rocked with me. She put her arms around me and rocked with me while I cried.

I don't know what I was feeling in that moment. I was certainly feeling more soothed...it was an unusual experience - especially coming from a woman. It's never happened before. I remember her saying she had four kids. Perhaps that's how she knew what to do.

I don't remember going home, but I remember him stopping on the side of the road and picking me up. I don't remember getting home, but I do remember fighting once inside.

This morning, when I woke up, I was angry at everyone else...because it was easier for me to be angry at them, than to face my own shame and humiliation. I went to my sitting spot, sat in the car in the rain and watched the raindrops fall like a waterfall on my windshield. I noticed how the curtain of water was distorting everything and making different things look like they were moving when they were stationary. I also noticed the birds flying and playing - I wondered how do they fly with wet wings? The marvel of nature I suppose.

And then I wondered, "What am I supposed to do?"

And then I thought - be honest.

So I am being honest and I was honest when I texted him and admitted to him that my drinking had gotten out of control but that I couldn't give him that. It had to be my choice, my decision. I was vulnerable; I told him I was afraid, ashamed and I don't know what to do.

His response was "make some changes in your life."

I told him I am. I have made enormous changes in my life. That's what's wrong with me now. Dear God the changes have been huge. But I don't understand what he means when he says this. What do you mean, make changes in my life? What else can I do? I'm so lost, so confused. What do you mean?!

I need help and support. I need understanding and guidance. I don't understand. I feel more alone now than I have in years. My friend is no longer speaking to me and sent me a nasty message this morning, saying as much. She called it "tough love"

I responded with not-so-nice messages to her, too. But as I sat there, looking through the distorted windshield, I realized I had reacted inappropriately and I sent her a message: "I'm sorry for last night. There is no excuse." That's as honest as I can get.

It was entirely my fault.

But there - sitting in the car, alone - my tears fell with the rain and I realized, I can't blame them. Can't blame them for leaving me. Can't blame them for quitting. These irrational outbursts, these unpredictable triggers, the drinking, the being lost...this whole journey it's too much. I know what's in my head, but they don't and they no longer trust me to tell them, nor do they want to hear it.

I think that realization was what made my stomach sink because in that moment, I realized why I am so alone. I blamed myself, hated myself, kicked myself, put myself down. I beat myself up worse than I ever have and worse than they both could, together as they sat together discussing the night before (he went to visit her...which hurt. They have each other, I have no one). Never mind that it's my fault - just saying it hurt.

Alone is such a simple word, for such a profound feeling. I don't even want to be seen or heard or talked to.

I just wanted him to love me and this wanting kills me. He can't show one ounce of love for me now. He says he's in defense mode.

He doesn't see that I am, too. That I was betrayed, too. That I was devastated, too.

I'm so confused, so hurt....so humiliated and ashamed...

....And alone.