Found out the truth

I went upstairs yesterday to print something because, for some reason, I couldn't print from my computer. I confess: When I went up there, I snooped on his FB. Yeah, yeah I know. I never normally would but the curiosity got the best of me, especially since he's been so secretive.

I'm both glad and shattered that  I did.

Where to even start...

First off, he told EVERYONE. I mean, I knew he told people but he'd told me he just told a few friends - which is bad enough - but he told EVERYONE. He told one girl that we've only met twice! I read further, I find out exactly what he's telling them - he's telling everyone that we're splitting up because of my being an alcoholic and this is just so untrue!

As I mentioned in my Confession blog, I have - LATELY - been going to my sitting spot with a six pack because of the flood of emotions that I and my body cannot handle. Prior to this, however, the only time I ever drank was when we went out. That's it. And we rarely went out, because I had gained a lot of weight and didn't want anyone to see me. I was ashamed. Most often, he went out alone, because of this. He seems to be forgetting this. I am so mortified by the things he's telling people but also just blown away that he doesn't even care.

In his messages, even one of my supposed allies was talking about how she hated that I was "drinking away my sorrows" - great, more ammunition for an already distorted point of view!

Yesterday, after I read his messages - found out he lied about the wedding. He didn't go alone, as he'd said he was. No. He took my "friend" and you know, that's not the worst part - he made me feel like shit for not calling and cancelling myself, when he never even did it as he'd said! So he doubly lied about the wedding. He made me feel like the lowest form of life, by accusing me of waiting until the last minute to cancel ("because it costs them money, you know" and all this other bullshit), when I wasn't waiting until the last minute. He lied..lied straight-faced lied.

That one really killed me.

He met another woman, too. A woman he kept trying to get to come join him (wherever he was). She's pretty - going by her picture.

Another "friend" made the comment, "Your house, your rules" and his response was "a-yup!" as if I never even lived here...the same game...it was never my home. It was never home to me.

This - even now - was too much. Too much. I was so devastated and shattered and broken. I called my therapist, cancelled my appointment, and went and bought some beer. Doubled up on my meds.

Sat there at my place, opened a beer, then called my therapist back, got her voicemail. I told her I probably need therapy now more than any other time.

She called me back, I was sobbing. The whole time, Gary is defending himself, won't apologize. Never does. Always blames me. Like a psychopath.

My therapist called me back. I was sobbing. Oh my God the pain I was in is not something I can even utter. She said, "It's okay, honey just calm down. I'll see you in an hour." so I went to therapy. I told her what I'd found. I admitted I was wrong for snooping, but I found out a lot. I found out the truth which seems to now be missing from his vocabulary. Everything he says is a lie. Everything!

I also told her about my confession - about the drinking. She didn't yell at me or even look at me cross-eyed. She understood what I meant when I told her the emotions flood me and the pills don't work. They just flood me, like a tsunami. My skin catches on fire, I sweat, I hyperventilate, I shake and cry. "But," I told her, "When I go to the water and have just one beer, I calm down immediately."

"I understand," she said, not an ounce of judgment in her voice. She was kind, compassionate and understanding. She knew exactly what I meant. She said it's no surprise, given the crisis I am going through right now.

I told her the truth, rather than all this bullshit that he's spreading around about me. She told me it sounds like I have a lot more integrity than he does. And she's right. Because even now - even after all this shit, all these lies, all this indiscretion and the backstabbing exaggerations - I would still not do to him, even HALF of what he's done to me. My therapist said that's because I understand what integrity is.

Clearly, he does not...and never has.

So I ordered a pizza for Trevor and him, picked it up, went home, fed Trevor, called him, told him there was pizza at home, and I left immediately.

He texted me saying I didn't have to dump it and run. Just goes to show how little he understands about the damage he's doing. He'd rather point the finger at me, blame me for everything - which is easy when you're lying and sneaking around, pretending you're this wonderful saint. (Oh he had to mention he got my "car fixed for me" to several people, too). He also told one person for certain my financial situation.

I went to my spot and drank.

I then left and went to the marina because you can get closer to the water at the marina. Lo and Behold, the boat is in the water. He lied AGAIN. Just that morning, he'd said he was going to put her in when he got the money.

I went on the boat to get the restroom key and when I came back, I just sat there on her, reminiscing. I told him she was beautiful - the boat, I mean - and he threatened to call the cops if I didn't get off his boat. Again, there are no words to describe the pain of hearing those words. I took my CDs and my measuring cups and closed her up, leaving in agony. How could he be so cold? I was sobbing on the phone to him - why? Why would you do that? How could you?

"Just get off my boat," he says, "or I'm calling the cops." So cold. He essentially undid, anything special we shared on that boat by doing this. And there was a lot. I was so ....just so blown away. So indescribably blown away.

Text messages ensued and he told me if I didn't stop he would call the cops and have me arrested. I was in so much pain - so, so much pain - with nobody to talk to and he was just making it worse and then threatening to call the cops? I was both hurt and enraged.

I then found out where he was - helping HER move. More sneaking around. I could hear, on the phone, laughter in the background.

There literally are no words to describe what I'm feeling. No words. I am in pieces.