My Current Truth

I'm in the beginning stages of "healing" - I use quotation marks because it sure as hell doesn't feel like healing. They call it the crisis stage and it's unbearable to go through alone.

My life is a wreck - all caused by me. For the past four weeks, I've been volatile and unpredictable because of this pain I'm in over this break-up. I don't know how to handle it. I keep having nightmares about him.

So then I go drink (alone, by the water) and it helps...

But sometimes it brings out the worst, although I don't have to be drinking for my worst to come out and usually the worst only comes out when he's here, in reaction to feeling abandoned (that's not an excuse).

Some of my sins:

• Vile words/texts to others out of rage.
• Violent outbursts - including grabbing him, grabbing his shirt, demanding to know why he gave up, why he left me.
• Shoving the mattress off the bed and ripping the sheets off (in my mind, I was preventing another woman from sleeping in our bed).
• Sarcasm
• Some would say I have excuses for all these things.
• Some would even say I'm writing this "for affect"
• Pushing others away
• Not letting anyone in
• Suicide ideation
• Cutting
• Drinking too much, to numb and escape

I'm sure there's more.

This morning we talked and he told me - again - what a vile person I am. He didn't use those exact words, but he told me some pretty hurtful things, including "I don't care about you" and he doesn't love me. These words cut me more than anything. And, to make it worse, it was my fault. My fault that he no longer cares for or loves me. He says I lie to myself and to everyone, and he can't believe a word I say. It's like four good years of our five years together is gone...never existed. He said not one kind thing about me...or to me. He even said he's "waiting for the opportunity [to call the cops on me]"

Oh God...

All of this is my fault. Everything. I don't know how to handle any emotions so it all just comes out as rage... I don't know what else to do. So on top of that, I have to deal with knowing that everything is my fault.

This makes me think of daddy..... makes me angry, makes me hurt more than anything. The anger comes out at Gary or (a couple times) Carolyn or my oldest son or whomever is in firing range - but the hurt...I cry sitting here now, thinking about how the things my father and the many other men did to me, have led me to this and how everyone expects me to just get over it...and I'm trying. I'm trying so hard, and I was told to embrace the people who are there and who love me and care and want me to heal but  I don't believe that. I don't believe anyone can love or care or help. I never have. How can someone like me ever be loved?


See Attachment Disorder.When you go through what I went through as an infant and toddler, it happens.

Sounds like a big pity party, doesn't it?
It's not. It's the truth of how it feels to have your wreck of a life, thrown in your face without any compassion for the things that have gotten you there to begin with. You're already walking around with the weight of the world on your shoulders - already trying to save face, already trying to fake it...trying to matter... trying to ignore the enormous shame and guilt and filth that lives inside you - and then someone comes along and shames you, guilts you and makes you feel even more filthy.

I wanted, this morning, to tell him he's a good friend...wanted to try to do something right. Anything right.

But then I heard these horrible things about myself and all I could do was sit there and rock and cry and realize how true they are....

Right now, I'm doing very little to help myself because I feel helpless and hopelessly lost. I have zero energy, I'm so overwhelmed. All my own creation, I know, but Dear God....some compassion would be nice. Just to know that after five years, he still sees some beauty and potential in me.

I've hurt people - people I didn't intend to hurt, but did. I don't know why I did. I have no reason...no explanation, although I'm sure - deep down - there is a reason or two. Perhaps that's my way of pushing people away. I think partly it's because "well, if he'd abandon me, so will you, so fuck you. I won't give you the chance - I'll leave you first!" Who knows? But it's mine to own.

All of this pulls my past into my present and I react from there. I don't know how to stop or control it.

I wish I did... I hate my life the way it is right now, on so many levels.

I am sorry to those I've hurt. The shame I feel over this is profound, and I know an apology is not enough. I'm not a hurtful person, at my core.

At my core, I am a compassionate, giving, loving, affectionate, attentive person. People who've known me for years, know this.

But my core is in defense mode now, covered by the ugly that is me. The ugly that is my life. The ugly that keeps surfacing through this "healing" journey.