Two More Weeks

Found out yesterday that I won't be moving out as soon as I'd thought. I've been shaking ever since. There was a time when I would have taken it as a sign - a time when I was more spiritual - but now, I'm just scared.

Scared because I don't want to go through all these emotions with him. I had another nightmare last night about him, too, but this one wasn't as bad as yesterday, although I feel it's very telling.

In the dream we were at a wedding with a friend from my past - long, long ago who wasn't ever really a friend. I don't know why he was in the dream; he was my ex-husband's friend.

Anyway, it was a serve-yourself-buffet kind of place, very unique. I fell, twice, trying to get food because the building spun around. It was a spinning building (very slowly) so you could see the view outside from all windows.

I fell the first time and was just a little embarrassed.

The second time, though, I fell and  my underwear were revealed and I was horrified. I went back to the table where Gary and this old friend were and I was crying.

Gary stood up and he sheltered me from the rest of the crowd, kept talking to me calmly, told me we could go for a ride....just being very soothing.

Then, the friend said, "Gary knows you gap. He's really good with you." - by "gap" I understood him to mean lose time.

It made me cry; I woke up crying.

But with the dream, comes interpretation and I feel like Gary is responsible for showing my underwear to the entire town and then pretending to be this super nice guy (the "friend" in the dream actually raped me years ago - don't know what to make of him being in the dream). That's all I can make of it.

The night before, I dreamt that he was screaming at me and pointing his finger at me, yelling, "I'll control who you see, where you go, what you do, all the way down to what you eat!"

I woke up and vomited.

How can someone stop loving you so quickly?