Relationships with DID/PTSD, incest and rape survivors

There's a book called Allies In Healing that's written specifically for partners of victims of childhood sexual abuse.It's an easy-to-read, Q&A format.

One of the questions is [paraphrasing], "Ask yourself if you're ready to be in a relationship with someone who's going through the healing process."

I'm going to tell you something: The healing process is ugly and it gets worse before it gets better. It's confusing, painful, irrational, illogical and it's definitely not like getting over spankings from when you were a kid. There are outbursts, there's rage, there's profound pain, sometimes directed at you - the partner - who is the only outlet there is.

Another of the questions in the book [paraphrasing once again] is, "When will I have my [partner] back?"

This is a good question but there's no solid answer because it honestly depends on a lot of different things: the kind of help your partner is getting, their age, their knowledge, the extent of their abuse, the extent of their willingness to delve deeper and deeper into their own pain. For awhile, it seems like everything is about them and it is...at least, for them. So it seems like you've lost your partner.

You haven't.

Your partner is doing some horrifically challenging work that requires more energy than cutting an acre lawn with fingernail clippers in 120-degree heat. It's hard, hard work.

From personal experience, I can tell you that assuring your partner you'll be there through the journey with her, and then bailing when it gets ugly, does more harm to an already wounded soul. It's better to break it off early, to understand what you're facing (possible self-injury, flashbacks, nightmares/night terrors, panic attacks, unpredictable triggers, etc.). Your partner will also probably try out every possible coping skill they know, including cutting, binging, drinking, substance abuse, and a host of other things, before they are taught - through therapy and continued work - that there are healthy ways to cope. During this time, your partner won't know who or what to trust...for them, it's like trying to learn to walk all over again, but with leg braces and pain.

It's better to get to know about these things and then say, "I don't think I can do this," in the beginning, than to wait when your partner is most vulnerable and then quit on them. It's like being abandoned all over again. It's a horrid, wretched, terrible feeling that undoes a lot of work your partner has already done.

With PTSD, here's what happens: You may say, do, act, smell, or otherwise do something that triggers a subconscious memory for your partner, and boom! Out of the blue, without either of you knowing it, you're being screamed at, or they've shut down completely, or they go into panic mode, or they self-injure. This is not your fault and is not aimed at you, nor is it your partner's fault. It is a Post-Traumatic response, triggered by the amygdala in the brain that stores memories, and it's hair-trigger quick. That's why I say it's not your partner's fault: They don't even know what's happening until it's happening and they won't know how to stop it until they've gotten through the crisis stage (more about the crisis stage can be read in the book The Courage To Heal). The crisis stage can last anywhere from weeks to months to years. Again, I believe it depends on a lot of the same categories as mentioned above.

With DID, sometimes different "parts" (or "alters") emerge out of sheer protection mode, when feeling threatened and the partner will black out - not remember - what was said or what happened (please note that DID is not as dramatic as the media and movies has portrayed it. Some people describe "switching" as a simple mood swing because it can be so well-hidden). This sounds irregular - and it is - but it's a natural structure and function of the brain for someone who's experienced complex trauma, especially as a child. Please be compassionate when this happens. Again, it's not personal. These "parts" were a brilliant, creative way for your partner to survive unbearable abuse and to protect them from experiencing the pain of it.

I read - I'm not sure where - that very few relationships survive this stage. I was certain, though, that my partner and I would make it. He read the book, Allies in Healing, and assured me he would not leave.

Unfortunately, that turned out to not be the case - the same as in many, many other books and autobiographies of survivors I've read. It's a sad plight, a sad and vicious cycle that makes partners the secondary victims of the abuse suffered by the survivor. It is, after all, difficult to see someone you once loved, crumple and crumble into something you never thought you'd see. I understand this, but leaving them when they're crumpled and crumbled and far from their best, is less healthy and helpful for them, than it is if you do it in the beginning.

Some tips:

1. Be compassionate - don't do things you know are going to trigger your partner, especially if you're breaking up because emotions are all out of control for a survivor in crisis mode.
2. Remember - Remember that this person who is now completely different from the one who you met and fell in love with, is still the same person, just going through an inhuman amount of pain.
3. Be patient - Know that the break-up is going to add salt to a gaping wound that's been opened by the work they've been doing. It's going to be un-utterably painful for them. Obviously it will be difficult for you, as well, but referring to tip number one, remember they're the ones in the crisis stage.
4. Be discrete - Don't go out telling all your friends that you're breaking up with your partner because of all the problems she has, or - worse - tell everyone/anyone about the problems she's going through. A survivors journey is extremely personal and sharing it with anyone is a horrible betrayal.
5. Be rational - Know that this person who is going through the crisis stage and reacting to your leaving, is reacting from a place of a deep wound. They are, however, still capable of love and understanding, if treated with dignity, respect and compassion. For the most part, they're not going to go out and cause a scene, rob you, steal from you, stalk you or otherwise harm you as long as you - you the one not going through the crisis stage - can keep these things in mind.
6. Be honest - Remember you're the one who promised to stay, promised not to leave them as they went through this journey and then - just like they experienced probably many times before - you decided to abandon them in the midst of a crisis, when they believed in you. Although this is sadly understandable, it is wholly unkind and unfair to the survivor. They now have fresh feelings of shame, guilt, humiliation, and abandonment they have to deal with on top of what they're already coping with.

Relationships with survivors are challenging, no doubt. In the beginning, they're trying to re-wire so many crossed wires it's like a bundle of barbed wire inside them that needs to be untangled. They'll go through so much pain and torment that it's not even speakable. They've seen the ugliest sides of humanity - particularly those who were molested by a parent or close family member. When this happens, their entire foundation is shook to the ground and chances are they've lived their whole lives from the neck up. Probably very intelligent and intuitive, but emotionally numb. When a survivor starts going through the healing, the crisis stage is first because they're tapping into emotions they didn't know existed, in their most concentrated form. Be patient.

Please.