Disconnected

Completely disconnected yesterday, after it sunk in.

When he told me he was seeing someone else, I had a total breakdown. I cried - sobbed - sat in utter disbelief and was stunned for two days. Couldn't believe how cruel he was being. I couldn't wait to see my therapist and cry to her. There's no way he could have loved me. This hit me like a boulder to my stomach and I felt like such a fool...such a fool.

But then yesterday, I just completely shut down. I was emotionally disconnected from everything and I got to my appointment, and talked as if there was absolutely nothing wrong. I didn't feel any pain or worry or fear. Nothing. I was someone entirely different. I told her about his cruel words and how he was seeing someone else before we even split as if I were talking about someone else. Kind of shrugged my shoulders and said, "Whatever."

But the day before, a friend reached out to me on FB and said something like, "I saw a post that made me think I better check on you." which immediately made me fearful of what he's saying (again) because he clearly has no regard for what he says about (or to) me. Unbelievable. I am still just stunned. Two weeks ago he loved me.

I spent at least a full 24 hours thinking about how ugly I am and how terrible a person I am and how I didn't fit in anywhere and didn't belong anywhere and how I must be hideous because of him doing this....believing how stupid I am to think I could have had him love me. Right. Me? No way. I spent at least 24 hours, wondering how anyone could ever love me because clearly he didn't and if he didn't, nobody can. There are no words to describe the pain it put me in.


This morning I woke up gagging again. The pain is in there - I'm sure - eating me up inside, only I can't feel it. I also woke up with that somatic feeling of being in trouble again. It's such a wretched feeling - the feeling you get right before a beating, when you're a child.

The past week has been so difficult although I've had some help and been grateful for it. I have needed it.

I feel so lost - how am I going to do this? I am so afraid...so scared.

I see pictures of him partying on his boat on facebook and it just kills me how "perfect" he seems to everyone when I know the truth...I know the truth now; he was never the man I thought he was. I was so stupid. God I was stupid. And here I am, again, in a fucked up place because of a fucked up choice I made.

And I'm trying so hard to do the right things.All the right things but it seems like all the right things are just getting me deeper and deeper in a bind and I am afraid.