Friends and Supporters

I've found, through the process of this break-up and the horribly humiliating behaviors I have exhibited, that I have friends and supporters who are there for me, no matter what. This is difficult to fathom, difficult to accept.

Especially when the ones you thought would be there, left so recently.

I struggle with this, yet I am grateful, too.

These people help me without expectation and they recognize my journey as my journey, not theirs. They allow me room to breathe; they let me call them at 2 a.m. with a nightmare; they don't judge me for doing whatever I can to get through this; they commend me for the work I am doing and have done; they encourage me because they see my potential and know I will, one day, have some great accomplishments.

One day, I will make a difference.

These supporters and friends have not bashed me when I was at my lowest, nor have they talked about me behind my back. They have honored my need for privacy - for now - until I am ready to divulge what I am and have been going through. And I will one day.

One of them recently told me: "You have to open up - even if just a little bit - and trust someone." and I know she's right...it's just so frightening to me, especially now. With the exception of my therapist, opening up and being honest and vulnerable is like standing on the edge of an extremely high cliff. Stomach in knots.

I don't know how to trust... mostly, I suppose, because I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself because of the rotten decisions and choices I have made. The intention was always good, but the result always just reinforces the abandonment I've always lived with.

So this blog is for my friends and supporters, to say thank you. To honor you for being such amazing human beings. For helping me and seeing me through this, for listening and for learning and for understanding. Thank you for not pushing your own agendas on me, knowing that I have a huge agenda already and a great big "to-do" list, all geared towards healing.

Thank you for picking up the slack, when I can't carry the weight.

It's not easy to watch someone you  care about, go through so much pain. I know this.

Thank you for being there through it all.