Why Do Trauma Survivors Push People Away?

There's more than one answer to this question.

Sometimes it's self-protection...keeping people from seeing the "real you" - the "you" that you see yourself to be, which (particularly for incest and rape victims) is usually something bad, dirty and unworthy. They keep you at arm's length, to prevent you from leaving them. The more superficial and "chummy" they can keep it, the safer they are that you won't leave them. Often they'll do things for you, too, without expecting anything in return, to help fortify that you won't leave them.

Sometimes it's not pushing you away, but testing you. I test a lot. I test everyone, always. My friend recently pointed this out to me. I guess sometimes I push people away but usually those are the ones who fail my "tests" which can be very simple - tests of integrity and trustworthiness. And not just one test, but many, before I open the door a crack.

And sometimes it's to protect you - the friend, family member, partner or supporter - from seeing their reality. The reality of complex trauma is an ugly thing - very ugly. And once you (a trauma survivor) reach a point of vulnerability in a relationship, the concept of that person seeing the "real you" is terrifying and opens up all kinds of windows and doors - many that have been shut for their whole lifetime. This is an absolutely horrifying experience because you (the survivor) don't know if the supporter will (a) be able to handle it or (b) walk away and say they can't handle it so the best option is to just protect you from seeing it at all. Rejection after revealing such painful things, would be painful beyond words.

Pushing people away is almost a way of life for me, although most of the time I push those away that I am closest to, ironically. Everyone else I just keep on a superficial level. I don't do chit-chat which means my social life is pretty dull and solitary. I don't mind....but yet I do.

I envy those who can just go out and ...I don't know, fake it? I used to be able to do that. Put on a happy face, pretend my trauma never happened. But because of the nature of my five-year relationship, some doors were opened that I cannot close. It's like opening a closet door that's crammed full of stuff and once you crack it open, you can't push it back shut, and stuff just keeps coming out. Horrible, embarrassing, mortifying, terrifying stuff. Monsters. Memories. Rage. Pain.

Nothing within that closet I want to see, never mind wanting anyone else to see it.

So for me - in my opinion - these are some of the reasons trauma survivors push people away. I bet there's more, but in my experience, this has been it.