Rambling

Had a session yesterday; it was very interesting as always.

I told her I had quit drinking the day before - partly for myself, partly for the relationship - and about what happened. She empathized with me.

And as I sat there on her couch, crying because I just felt like there was never going to be anything about me he loved - how I wished I could be skinnier, tanner, smarter, prettier, etc...anything - she quietly listened.

Then I told her how I'd told him that I deserve better. I don't deserve all these constant bashings and put-downs. I don't deserve to have my mistakes constantly thrown up in my face and to have him act as if he played no role in this break-up.

I deserve compassion, kindness, dignity, respect, support and love.

"Wow," she said. "Where did that come from?"

"You," I responded.

But it's true. And she said suicide attempts are not things you forgive; they're things you understand. When a trauma survivor attempts suicide, they are at their lowest point. When I was at my lowest point, I was screamed at, mocked and put down. Then the last straw: I won't take you out anymore. (translation [for me]: I am ashamed of you).

So shame me, shame me some more, and then shame me some more.

And now, since I told him it was over (because of these incidents), he has shamed me even further and I don't deserve it at all. I haven't deserved it at all.

He did the same thing yesterday - sat outside with me, putting me down. Then again last night, after my session, slamming me again. I finally spoke up and said, "I have something to do."

And he kept going on and on about my mistakes - the mistakes of a traumatized person in crisis and mistakes that, yes, I did divulge to my therapist. I tell her everything. She said even though the actions may not be right, the feelings are what they are and you're feeling flooded with them right now. I am. Very much.

"Listen I don't have to listen to your abuse," I said.

"Then get the fuck out," he responded.

Translation (to me): either listen to me put you down, or get out.

I definitely deserve better than that.

He's like the song Hot n Cold all the time - just like one of my friends told me. Playing me like a puppet. Knowing I desperately want his love, and then yanking away any sign of reconciliation.

I told him yesterday that there was a sense of urgency as far as working towards reconciliation - for me - because of my son. I'm not going to move him to a new school, only to move him back.

"That's not a reason to work things out," he said.

I agreed. "That's not the reason, but that is the reason for the sense of urgency I feel."

The small changes are what's needed - the little steps and the support and showing you're doing something different, just as I had. I pointed out to him that he wasn't making any changes - was just doing the same things he always has.

But, I said, I am willing to forgive and try again, despite the things you've done to me.

He is not.

His loss.