Weakness Versus Strength

My "friend" said to me, "...I'm sick of your...woe is me" and "[Your] 'nobody gets it' is old."

This from someone who said "she gets it" for months, but after saying these - among other things - she clearly doesn't get it, and never did. I told her as much. Told her it was an insult to suggest she understood.

People in these little sheltered towns (and, I assume, all over the country and even the world) just think you're supposed to get up, get a job, get moving, move past it, get over it.

What that means is, put on the mask you've always worn, pretend it's okay, hush, hush, hush - nobody wants to hear your tale of woe.

This is the viciousness of the cycle of abuse. The taboo - the keep the secret. Don't tell anyone - act like everything is normal.

For me, nothing is normal - especially right now - and some would call me weak. I am weak. I am extremely weak right now. I can't focus on anything; I'm easily overwhelmed; easily triggered; can't sleep; feel exhausted; can't eat (get sick when I try to); just can't function. Can't even read a book - one of my favorite pastimes for years. Think this is fun? Being weak?

Or...

Is it being weak? Isn't being "weak" and being vulnerable, paradoxically strong?

Because I gotta tell you: Right now, I am the last person I ever wanted to be. I wanted to stay the way I was, with my happy face and my forward motion, fake though it may have been. If I could go back and just be in denial so everyone would like me, I would.

But to me, that is weak.

Pretending to be something you're not in order to hide the shame, the secret, the truth - that is weak. That is giving in to societal pressure. Pretending to be friends with people, pretending to be strong, pretending it didn't affect you.... that is weakness.

So, for my "friend" - and anyone else - who thinks I should just pick myself up by my bootstraps and get a job and move on, I say this: get educated and stop being fake.

Right now, in my life, I'm being as real and raw as it gets. I don't need peoples' advice who haven't been there and who do not know my history or the pain I am in. In fact, they don't even know the truth about my current situation....it's all one-sided. Solidly unfair, but it is, what it is.

I am being weak, yes, and it's about goddamn time. I've spent my whole life being strong, being whatever I thought others wanted me to be. Now I'm finding the real me - and that takes a hell of a lot of strength and courage. The nightmares, flashbacks, triggers, nausea - all constant. It's a horrifying experience.

And I'm doing it without those so-called "friends" - the ones who can't take the truth, who can't bear witness to my pain.

But at least I have real friends - the ones who know, who are willing to learn, who understand, who would never betray me. At least I have that and that's more real than every single fake friend in these towns.