Possibilities

Right now, I hurt. Being here, in this place, on the birth of the U.S.A. alone in this God forsaken house while he goes out and hangs out with "friends" and has a grand ol' time and I am shunned, shamed...because he told so many people about my private business. I just cannot get over this.

It's absolutely horrible. I can't show my face anywhere. I even went out the back door yesterday to avoid seeing his son and wouldn't come home until they were gone. I'm that ashamed.

Yesterday I went to look at an apartment. It's absolutely lovely and I really, really hope I get it. The landlady was fantastic and the way she described the neighbor (it's a duplex), I would love her, too. It's in a small town where practically nobody lives (lol) and it's peaceful.

Peace.

I went to therapy yesterday. She told me I was..."different" - "Maybe it's the apartment," she said.

But this led to a discussion about me being dependent.

"I've been dependent my whole life," I confessed.

She nodded.

"I'm terrified. I don't know how to be independent."

"That will come."

I can look back at small points in my life where I was independent but they're all like straw houses. It felt good, but it was fake...wasn't really me.

I don't know what this means, really. I have visions in my mind...visions of just wanting to breathe. Just wanting to have the time to do whatever I have to do to get over this. She said it won't ever go away.

It won't ever go away.

I guess I'm afraid of myself, afraid of failing, afraid of everything. Afraid of people, especially now.

Moving out - the possibility - both excites me and saddens me. At least I will be alone, with my son, and won't have to worry about being hurt or mocked or stared at or talked about...well...I guess people will still talk, until the next tragedy comes along. I'll have my space...which I sorely need.

We came to the conclusion yesterday that Gary very likely is a narcissist - that's why he's done the things he's done without regard for the repercussions I would face. It hurts to know that I've known all along, but ignored it. I thought he would change. Still, I love him. Like a fool, I love him. But he's more concerned about his image than anything else.

I actually thought - truly believed - that by being vulnerable and open and letting him see my deepest wounds, he would gain some compassion and realize what empathy was. I believed it would change his perspective on the world and help him look at himself more honestly.

A lot of people around here are narcissists.

Not that I would ever claim  to be a saint - I have confessed all my sins and more, here on my blog and to my therapist. I've said "I"m Sorry" so many times, it's crazy. I've owned all my problems and outbursts - at least all the ones I can identify and I will continue to do so.

But I would never just go out and deliberately bash and trash someone to make myself look better. I'm a better person than that. I will never be that way. Not to anyone.

Thank God I have my integrity and I have my aspirations.

I told him (yesterday, I believe) that one day, when I am successful, he's going to look at me and go, "Wow, I used to date her." But by then, I will be a better, stronger person. And he will still be who he is today.