Five Years

Today is the fifth anniversary of my first date with Gary. I have mixed feelings about it. For most of those years, we were good. The first couple years were all about him - helping him through his healing process. The next two years were spent with each of us practicing emotional openness. It was awkward for both of us. Hard to get out of our heads but the last year, I spent a lot of time being emotionally vulnerable, and he tried to support that. But things got complicated and TOO emotional, I think, for him to handle. And finally, over the past several weeks, things fell apart completely. I fell apart completely. I've spent a lot of time criticizing myself but yesterday, in therapy, admitted with a strange and awkward fear, that I am angry at him. Angry at all the betrayal ;angry at the things he's said and done to me.... After five years. After sharing so much. Today hurts and angers me, but mostly, I just feel this horrible pain of never mattering enough. And empty... So empty and lost.